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January 2
I hope everyone had a good New Year's eve. (Where were you when Dick Clark dropped his ball in Times Square?..lol) Mine was pretty good. I spent part of it hanging out at my little bro's house with family, and then the rest of it hanging out with Mary and some of her friends. It was a little awkward for me, at times, since she was the only person I knew. I had fun, though, and everyone was super nice to me. We played a horse racing game using cards and dice that was invented by a friend of the party hostess. It's always fun to gamble when you don't lose lots and lots of money..lol.

My first weigh-in of the new millennium didn't go so well. I put on 3 more pounds last week. That makes 5 over the 2
week holiday period. I pretty much expected it, though, so I am not too upset. I WILL be upset if I don't make it to 200 pounds lost by Jan. 31st, the one-year anniversary of my surgery. I was hoping to be down to 250 pounds by then, but I don't think I am going to make it...c'est la vie.

January 3
I can't believe I haven't related this exciting bit of news here yet...I finally got a computer!!! It was a late Christmas gift from little bro and his wife. He called the other day and said he was coming over...when I answered the door he was standing there with a monitor in his arms. All I could think of to say was, "You're shittin' me!"..lol. (See how well-spoken I am? No wonder all the ladies are after me..lol)

It's an old used one, and it has a very small hard drive compared to the machines of today, but it should be fine for what I do most online, which is chat and e-mail.(Big surprise, huh?)The only thing I am worried about is how it's going to work for updating this page, because Tripod is a little temperamental sometimes. (Sorry, Tripod, just calling it like I see it..lol)I can't wait until I get signed up to an ISP, which should be within a week or two. Thanks, Matt and Lara!!!

January 6
Well, I am an uncle again. More importantly(at least in THEIR opinion, I'm sure), my little bro and his wife are parents for the first time, as of yesterday at about 9:30 A.M. Congratulations, Matt and Lara!!!

It's a boy, and a pretty darn big boy, at that! 11 pounds, 10 ounces, 22 inches long. OUCH!! It must have been like trying to pass a turkey..lol. Welcome to the world, Samuel Lindsay Moon!!

January 8
I managed to take off two of the pounds I gained over the holidays. I am still having some trouble with eating more than I should. I sometimes wish I could go back to how I felt right after I had the surgery, when I was AFRAID to eat anything. I stayed on liquids about 3 or 4 weeks than I was really supposed to, just because I was scared...if I had it to do over, I would have put more effort into learning how to eat right. I know...it's not too late to do that, but it is harder now that I have slipped back into a lot of my old(bad)eating habits.

On the computer front...the computer center at the school is now open, so that's a good thing. There weren't many people around that I wanted to chat with(except Dania, hi Dania!!), so that was a drag, but I used the time to re-arrange a couple of things on this page.

I will be glad when I have internet access from home. I signed up with Ameritech, but(according to them)it will be about another week before I get the software I need from them. I got a CD-Rom from K-mart for BlueLight.com "totally free" internet access...let's just say I have been vastly underwhelmed so far, although I DID manage to actually achieve online-ness for about 15 minutes last night..lol. Hurry up, Ameritech!!!

January 9
This is an exciting day for me. I finally have internet access from home!! I am sitting on my bed as I type..lol. This computer is a little slow for doing this sort of thing, but I think I can live with it. I still can't believe my bro and his wife gave me this computer :-)

I also began a new exercise program today. I joined a water aerobics class. It was fun, but a litte scary...I haven't been in a swimming pool since the summer of 1999. I think the scariest thing was the idea of baring my body in public..lol. When I have been swimming in the past, there has only been family around. I am there trying to make myself better, though, so I am going to try not to be TOO self-conscious.

I am going to take this class at least 2 and maybe 4 times a week, and possibly cut back on the walking a little...I don't want to overdo anything. I am also thinking about trying some other forms of exercise, like riding the exercise bike as opposed to walking, just to change things up a little. That may also mean the demise of "The 4 Miles Page", since with all this new exercise I am not going to be as focused on walking at least 4 miles everyday...I am not sure what I am going to do about that. Suggestions are, as always, welcome as long as they're not along the lines of, "Hey Marty, why don't you go F*** yourself!!"..lol.


January 10
Hmmm...it's late in the evening. Probably too late to be doing this, since it will be tomorrow in just a few hours. All I can think of are negative things, anyway. So, rather than spew copious amounts of venom and subject you all to that, I am just going to think about it some more, and possibly write it down for my own benefit, just to help clear my head. Have a great evening(which will be over by the time anyone reads this..lol).

January 14
You would think with having a computer at home now, I could update more than once every 4 days...apparently you would be wrong, too..lol. I don't know what the problem is...I have been in and out of a weird mood all week. Some good things have happened this week, and nothing really bad has happened, but I just feel kind of....blah. I haven't even given a fuck about going to the Y as much as I have been recently, which is NOT a good thing....

The good stuff....well, first of all, did you know I have a computer at home now? It's a little slow, but it mostly works well enough for what I want to do, so yee-haa!!!

I met with my vocational rehab counselor again, and took a bunch of tests. He said that I scored well above average on all of the tests that required using my brain, but when it came to the ones requiring speed and dexterity, it was back to average or below..lol. And, contrary to what you might think from reading the drivel that I spew on a (more or less) daily basis, I scored superior in the areas of language usage and word knowledge..lol. (I know, soda... that self-deprecating humor is negative...sometimes I just can't stop myself.)

What does this mean in terms of occuaptions I might be suited for? They like to match your abilites with your interests and values. Ideally, then you would want to look first at the category of jobs where you scored high in all 3...for me, that is something called "Arts, Skilled". Each job cluster has about 30 or more different occupations listed, but some of the things that I might be interested in include graphic design, darkroom technician...there are a few others. I have to do some research now to find out what some of these people actually do.

There were 3 other job clusters where my abilites matched my interests..."Arts, Professional"(performing arts, D.J.), "Communication"(columnist, critic, library technician), and "Science, Skilled"(x-ray tech, medical assisting). I think I can find something of interest in there somewhere...keep your fingers crossed for me.

The bad stuff....it's not any one thing. I think by now any of you that read my journal (and I KNOW there are at least one or two of you..lol) know that most of whatever bad moods I may wind up in stem from feeling lonely. Well...I have been feeling big-time lonely this week. I don't know what made this past week any different from the others, but sometimes it bothers me more, I guess.

I had a couple of female friends for awhile, but judging from the amount of contact I have had with them in the last few weeks, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever see either one of them again. And then, part of me is wondering if it would be so bad if I DIDN'T see either one of them again. Maybe I would be better off in the long run...but I care (probably too much) about both of them, and I sure miss the............hugs. I am sure you thought I was going to say sex...well, I miss that, too, but sometimes I just want a hug from someone that's not related to me..lol. Anyway, I may regret posting all this later, but what the fuck...it's how I feel.

January 20
I was overwhelmed by the e-mail support I received regarding the recent doldrums I have been experiencing...I think I got 2..lol. Oh well...I realize that most of the people that read this(there ARE people that read this, aren't there?)are busy and have lives, whereas I don't have much of one yet..lol.

Maria had an interesting idea...she thought that I might be feeling down because of the shorter winter days and lack of sunlight. I have read about this, but I don't remember the scientific term, so I will call it "feeling down because of the shorter winter days and lack of sunlight"..lol. OK..maybe "winter blues" would be better. She suggested that I go to a tanning salon and get a dose of good ol'(oh, fuck, which vitamin was it, Maria? A?)whatever vitamin we get from sunlight...if I had the money, I would have gladly tried it.....

The good news is that, even though I haven't been posting lately(and yeah, what the fuck's up with that, Marty??)(and what the fuck's up with using the word "fuck" all the time all of a sudden?), I am now doing pretty good. I have been getting a little TLC from an old friend. Hugs from a pretty lady can work wonders, lemme tell ya :-)

So, rest assured, my peoples...I am not about to go over the edge in a fit of despair..lol. I have been busy going to the Y a lot, and I am going to be spending some time at the library in the coming weeks doing some job research, but I will try, try, try to be a more timely and forthcoming
journal-writing type guy :-)

January 23
My effort to be more timely and forthcoming is off to a rousing start, eh? Well, it HAS been only 3 days this time..lol. After being severely chastised for urging people to read the journal when I haven't updated for a couple of days(sorry, Cathy), all I can say is my ancient computer and I will try to do better.

Nearing my goal of 200 pounds lost for the year(196 and counting!!), I find it interesting the various forms that support can take. There are **hugs** from my chat friends(and **hgus**, thank you Aly!), simple words of encouragement( I AM going, and I KNOW I can do it, Karen, thank you!), offers of prayer from a few of you(and even though I remain confused as to what my own personal beliefs are, I DO appreciate the fact that someone would pray for me, and I thank you all)and diet tips.

Some support is a little more unusual, like a pledge to only drink light beer this week(and I know from drinking light beer myself what a sacrifice that is, thanks, Rick), or threats of bodily harm and being shunned if I don't make it to my goal(and yes, Chuck, I know you were kidding...I think...but remember this....I am big enough that you're still way faster than I am, but if I ever got my hands on you, I could wipe the floor with you..lol).

The point is, in your own ways you have taken the time to let me know that you're in my corner and rooting for me, and that means a lot to me. Thanks very much :-)

January 24
I got some bad news tonight. The father of a dear friend passed away today. Maria, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It touched me so much that this man I had never even met took such an interest in my life and how I am doing. As if that alone doesn't say enough about what a sweet and caring man he was....if children are a true reflection of their parents, Maria, you are living proof of what a great man Mr. Jimmy was. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. **hugs**

January 25
I went to the library and the computer center today to do some of the job research I need to do for the vocational rehab. program. I didn't have much luck looking online, so I guess I am going to have to do it the old-fashioned way.

Most of the jobs(excuse me, CAREERS)that I am interested in and that the tests say I am suited for seem to involve either drawing or writing of some form or another. Which is cool...I have always liked writing and drawing...the place I always have the most trouble is the idea stage. Some mind altering chemicals, perhaps? Hahahhhahahahha, just kidding :-)

The thing now is, I have to decide how much importance I want to place on something I WANT to do, as opposed to other factors such as job availability, salary, etc....

Today is the birthday of one of my friends...everyone say Happy Birthday, Marsha!!!

January 28
Happy SUPER BOWL SUNDAY, everybody!!!! Or, as Cincinnati Bengals fans refer to it, ummmm...Sunday. You know, it's just another damn day to us..lol. I can't summon up a whole lot of interest either way...the old Marty, old, grouchy, "I'm miserable, and the world fucking sucks!" Marty would hope that both teams' planes had crashed on the way to Tampa. New Marty, "Mr. Positive Thoughts at all times, or at the very least trying to be a better person" Marty,(yeah right!)(well, I AM, actually, most of the time)just wonders if there is any way both teams can lose. I don't think there is, so me and bro(and my other bro, I am assuming)want the Giants to win. As much as it pains me to see yet another New York team win yet another world championship, that is by far the lesser of two evils, when the other option is an Art Modell-owned, Ray Lewis-led football team winning ANYthing.

I guess I am going over to little bro's, and watch at least the first half. I talked to Mary. She's going to a Super Bowl party, and she was cutting up veggies to take with her so there would be some healthy snacks there(way to go, Mary!!)which leads me into some Marty news for you non-football fans...

I dunno what it is...mostly I think it is something that is probably tied into my low self-esteem(I know one person at least who would say that's what it is...one of my many character flaws..lol). But, whenever I get close to some goal, I need to do something to sabotage myself. I have been eating like a fucking pig the last few days. I HAVE been going to the Y still, but not as much as I did the last couple weeks. Maybe I'll still make my weight, maybe I won't(well, I will eventually, I'm sure, but I wanted to do it by Wednesday)but, by gosh, I have sure followed suit and made it a lot damn harder on myself than it needed to be.

January 29
The Ravens are the champs, and Ray Lewis was the MVP...could the football world suck any more??? On the upside, there were some pretty cool commercials("What are you doing?")

The tale of the scale wasn't very good today. It could have been worse, I guess. At least I didn't gain any weight last week. The bad news is, I didn't lose any, either, so, I still need to lose that 4 pounds. By Wednesday. I don't think it's gonna happen.

I can't lie. I am a little disappointed. But, I refuse to beat myself up about it...I have lost almost 200 pounds in a year, and I think that's a pretty amazing accomplishment. Besides....4 pounds or not, at the doctor's office, I am OVER 200 pounds lost, cuz their records count the 11 pounds I lost between the time I saw the doc for the first time and the day I had the surgery...lol. I know, I know...that's cheating. In my heart, I don't count those 11 pounds either, not for this.

January 31
Happy Anniversary, Marty!!! One year ago today, I set out on this little adventure. Here I am, 365 days later, 196 pounds lighter, reflecting on all the changes I have been through and thinking about all the changes yet to come...it is a little overwhelming.

My life is so much better in so many ways. Physically, I am able to do so much more now than that old guy, who got so out of breath just standing up that sometimes he thought he was going to pass out. Mentally, even though I still get down about my personal life on occasion, I am by and large(small)a much happier person. A million other ways, little things that most "normal" people would never notice, and would probably even think of as silly to get excited about...but they just don't know, and I hope they never do.

What sort of things? I have mentioned some here before, but here goes: being able to sit in a booth at a restaurant. Being able to sit in a chair that has arms on it. Being able to go to a movie(or a concert)and sit in the seat and actually BE COMFORTABLE!! Being able to cross my legs. That was a biggie, and this one, too...noticing one day while shaving that I only have one chin now..lol.

Being able to have sex...you people that don't wanna know EVERYTHING might wanna skip this part, and there may come a day I regret posting this, but....I had a few chances to fool around a little bit before I had the surgery. Not many, mind you, but a few....and I enjoyed it, as far as it went...I had a great deal of difficulty achieving erection/orgasm. I am guessing on the reasons because I never discussed this in-depth with my doctor, but I was diabetic and had high blood pressure, and I know those can affect things "down there"..lol.

Now, things still don't always work the way they are supposed too, but they are much better now. It's an amazing thing to me to be able to reach orgasm from making love to someone... as recently as a couple of weeks ago, I had never experienced that, and I probably never would have, if I had not had the surgery.

That's probably the biggest change, except maybe for this:
Of course, you never know what's going to happen, when you're number is going to come up...but I really think I would be dead by now if I had not had that operation. I am glad I chose life :-)
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February 1
Well, here it is, 4:30 in the A.M., and I am updating my journal. I never would have been able to do this when I didn't have a computer at home. Woo-hoo!!! You might ask, "Marty, what in the hell are you doing up at 4:30 in the A.M.?!?! Besides updating your journal, that is..."

I got up early to see my younger bro off. He is on the way to Puerto Rico for a week with a group from his church to work on rebuilding part of a nursing home. It's something he has done a few times in the last couple of years. I admire his selfless-ness, especially at this time, given that he is a new father.

Even if I were physically able to do something like that(which I'm not, yet, I don't think), I am far too self-centered to deprive myself of the comforts of home to help someone else out. Maybe someday....I WOULD like to think I have done some good for someone at some point in my life.

I had a couple of doctor appointments this week. The heart doctor tells me I have dilated cardiomyopathy, an enlargement of the heart. This weakens the heart's pumping ability...mine works at about 2/3 of its capacity. The good news is, with continuing to diet and exercise, and aggressive treatment with medication, the progress of the disease can be slowed considerably, and at this stage it is only a mild case.

My surgeon(1 year check-up since the by-pass)is very happy with the progress I have made. I discussed with him how my weight loss has been pretty slow the last few weeks because I have been eating so much. He told me that while that may be the reason, some of it could also be that I am building up muscle, which is denser and weighs more than fat. One of the keys is whether the fit of my clothes is any different, and I have noticed that my waist is still getting smaller. It's time to put a couple more notches in my belt :-)

I was kind of hoping that he would want to go ahead and cut the excess skin off, but he wants to wait awhile. He said(no guarantees, of course)that he expects I might lose another 30-50 pounds in the next 6 months, which would make the abdominoplasty pointless to do right now. If I DO lose that amount of weight, or if the loss slows to the point where it is apparent that I won't lose much more, then I will go back and we'll discuss it further.

February 6
Sorry I have not been around much lately. I have been having trouble with my internet connection. It turned out to be a problem with the phone line. Hopefully everything is worked out now.. More info tomorrow.

February 20
Well, it certainly has been awhile. It's been an up and down couple of weeks, mentally and physically. First, the good stuff....

I had a date. A very lovely woman that I have been spending a great deal of time with(I'll call her PT)took me out the Thursday before Valentine's Day. I think it was the first "dinner and a movie" date that I have been on since my very first date about 16 years ago. It would have been hard for this one to end up worse than that first one....no kiss, not even a handshake, and being told that we shouldn't see
each other again. This night was a very good one...good dinner, really good company, and lots of great hugs and kisses. Ironically, both women have the same first name. Was there sex involved?? I'll never tell ;-)

Valentine's Day was really nice. It is the first time it has really sort of meant something to me ever since the days of grade school, when everyone had to give everyone else a valentine. I was sort of hanging with Brenda at this time last year, but it wasn't the same. Actually, the fact that she got me something for Valentine's Day and I didn't get her anything was probably the beginning of the end for us. Well, this year it was great for me, and I hope it was for her, too.

Me and PT didn't do anything terribly exciting...we just hung out at my house for a couple of hours. I played guitar and sang a couple of songs for her, and she responded favorably(she wasn't scared off..lol). She had given me a couple of cool pairs of earrings, and I was wearing one of each. I gave her the old stand-by, flowers and candy. The great part was just being with her, holding her, kissing her...looking into those beautiful brown eyes....

There were some bad things, too...I was sick for awhile. Now, the really bad thing about being sick was that I was too sick to feel like going to the Y and working out, but I was not sick enough to kill my appetite. That probably had a lot to do with me gaining 4 pounds the week before last. I still have a little bit of a cough, but I am much better...I have even worked out a few times lately, and took 2 of those pounds back off. The current figure is 277.

The thing that bothered me the most, and I am not proud of this at all....I generally send out an update every Monday after I weigh myself. There were 2 weeks in a row that I didn't send it out. There are 47 people on my mailing list. I was in contact with a few of them either through chat or in real life, but out of the other 44 people(including one who is related to me), only 2 e-mailed to see what was up(neither one of whom is related to me..lol). Not exactly an
out-pouring of concern...and yes, it bothered me. But.......

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that most people besides me have lives....heck, I am even trying to get one. And I realized that most of those lives are very busy ones. I have been through a lot of change in the past year. Besides the physical stuff, I have been trying to change my attitude...be more mature, more adult, be more positive about things. Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do in those areas.

The bottom line...please accept my most humble apologies. I hope you will all forgive me. Instead of being petty and whining to myself about how, "I guess no one really gives a shit," I should remember all of the support and encouragement I have received from you all. I really do appreciate it...my head is just not always screwed on quite right. So, forgive me again, and thank you all again for what you have done for me.

February 23
**sings** "Yesterday was a good day. It's after midnight, and I've got you on my mind...."...oh, hey there. Sorry, I was just day-dreaming. Can you do that at night? It's 4:20 A.M., though, so technically, it that day or night? I'm rambling, aren't I?

I'm not a huge Journey fan, but yesterday WAS a good day, so that seemed fitting. What was so good about it? Well, I went to the Y, for one thing. That made 3 days in a row. Woo-hoo!! It feels good to be getting back in the groove. Rode the exercise bike, walked on the treadmill, lifted some weights.

Next week I am going to try to get back to some of the water aerobics classes. It is still pretty cold here, and I am a little wary of being outside after just having gotten out of the pool. Theoretically, that is not supposed to have anything to do with one's susceptibility to catching a cold, etc...I guess it's hard to forget all those motherly warnings against going out in the cold with a wet head. I should probably break down and buy a toboggan(a wool cap-like thing...not a sled..lol), but hell, spring is almost(hopefully)here!!

Survivor was on last night. Yay! And Kimmi was voted off the continent!! Double yay!!! I realize that the producers of the show can edit the videotape to make their storylines work better and it is probably(maybe)not an accurate reflection of how someone is in real-life...but gosh, Kimmi sure was an annoying bitch on the show. I'm going to miss looking at her nipples, tho...right now, I am rooting for Rodger to win, since he is from the(sort-of)same area as I am. Or Elizabeth or Amber, cuz they are pretty darn cute..... Yes, I am a sexist pig...oh well, tell me something I DON'T know. Life goes on..lol.

The best thing about yesterday was that I got to spend some time with PT. I don't know how this is all going to work out. We are calling ourselves friends, and in my mind, I know we haven't known each other long enough or know each other well enough to be "in love". But, she is a sweet, sweet woman and I miss her and think about her an awful lot when she is not around, and I feel so good and happy when she is. I get lost looking into those big, brown eyes....She gives great hug, too :-) The only down-side I have seen so far is she likes to talk to Alice...I dunno what's up with that. Just kidding, mom...lighten up...

February 25
I am still struggling with with my eating habits. I went to the Y again yesterday, though, that's a good thing. It could be worse, I could be eating like a pig and not getting any exercise at all. THAT would be a bad thing.

I am kind of comfortable with my weight right now, I think. I mean...I want to lose more, but I already feel so much better than I used to that part of me thinks, "You know, this isn't so bad...why don't we just hang out here for awhile?" As long as I don't gain a whole bunch, I am not going to let myself get too frustrated. Now, in a couple of weeks or a month, if I haven't gotten significantly back on track, it might be another story.

One of the quote-unquote problems is that I don't have the energy that I thought I would. If I want to do something, yes, I have so much more energy and endurance that it is like I am a different person. It is getting the motivation to WANT to do things that is hard. I am still tired all of the time, and most days I have to force myself to do any activity that involves actually getting out of the house and doing something. The main exception being if I have a chance to do something or spend some time with PT. That's NEVER a struggle..lol.

I have to go in a couple of weeks to have a sleep study done, find out if I might have sleep apnea. If I do, cool, it is a pretty easy fix and I should start feeling 100% better. There is the chance that the tiredness could be related to my cardiomyopathy, though, in which case I am probably just going to have to live with it.

I heard something shocking on the news last night...Dale Earnhardt died. I guess he was a NASCAR driver, or something, and apparently he died during some race last week, I dunno...I hadn't heard anything about it.

I am, of course, being sarcastic(or is that facetious?). With all due respect to Dale and his family, I am SOOOOO sick of hearing about this. I mean, they have my sympathies. It probably would have killed me to see my father die like that. But, is this really a story that needs to be in the news every damn day? It's not like he did anything important. He drove a car in a circle a whole bunch of times
really, really fast. Big deal. All these NASCAR fans acting like this is the end of the world need to get a life. Most of them want to see the crashes, anyway...they were just getting their money's worth. Get over it. Sorry for the rant. By the way, I fully expect to be receiving death threats now..lol.

Another "by the way"...I am going to refer to PT as Nilla now. She wears this vanilla scented body spray that just absolutely drives me wild!!

One more "by the way", for any of you who might wonder why I don't update every day. You think, "All he has to do is sit there for a few minutes and type, what's the problem?" Well, the problem is, between the natural slow-osity of my PC and the difficulties of working with Tripod, I have been sitting here for about 2 hours now, for something that should have taken 10 minutes. I could try another web page host, I guess, but there is the chance that it would be even worse. I know, I don't have to do this. I WANT to. I am just trying to explain that it is very frustrating at times. OK, end of rant #2. Have a great day!!

And a P.S. - Congrats to my buddy soda on her successful foray into the world of downhill skiing without breaking anything. Way to go!! Have a great time on the rest of your trip :-)

February 26
I want to clear up something I said yesterday, so there are no misconceptions. I am not giving up on trying to lose more weight. I just meant I am not going to beat myself up too bad unless I start gaining a lot of it back. (I know, soda...I should not beat myself up at all, and I shouldn't use negative language/images like that.)

Now, having said that, I just got back from weighing myself, and I lost 4 pounds last week! WOO-FUCKING-HOO!!!!!! If I can lose just one more pound this week, I will finally , finally, FINALLY have hit 200 pounds lost!!! So, if I have said to you before that I would be happy if I didn't lose another pound, that's not quite true. Let me get one more, and THEN I would be happy even if I didn't lose another pound..lol.

I got an exciting bit of news yesterday...my bro(Matt, the younger one)bought tix for me and him and other bro(Bill, the older one)to see the Cincinnati Reds(who are going to win the World Series this year, by the way)on Opening Day!! Opening Day is a big deal in Cincinnati, seeing as how the Reds were the first professional baseball team in America.

It's been a few years since I have gone to a game, and I am really looking forward to it. I am anxious to see how well my big ass fits into one of those little seats..lol. I can sit in a movie theater just fine, now, but I think stadium seats are a little bit narrower. I will also have to put my new-found ability to walk long distances and climb stairs to use, because we'll probably have to park about a mile away and the seats are up near the top of the stadium. At least I will be getting my workout in THAT day, so I should feel no guilt at all about eating a hot dog(or two)and some popcorn..lol

February 27
Should I post a new journal entry on a day there is really nothing to report? I know there ARE at least a couple of you out there that read every day or almost every day, so, I feel like I should at least say something to you. "Something." OK, bye now, thanks for playing!! Yes, I know, I am a real laff riot sometimes. I DO appreciate the fact that there are people in the world that want to know what's going on with me, so thank you all very much :-)

As for what IS going on, right now I am just trying to get my crap together to go out and run a few errands. It's tonight that I am really looking forward to....Nilla is taking me out :-)

We're going to go bowling, unless the lanes are too crowded. Plan B is to go see Hannibal. I tried to warn her that there are some very graphic scenes in the movie, but she still wants to go. It's OK, tho, I will be there to protect her!! I'm not sure who is going to protect me..lol.

Expect a full report tomorrow, including graphic details of some hot monkey love!! I AM just kidding, of course..lol.

February 28
As promised, a full report on my date with Nilla: it was a lot of fun. See ya.

HAHAHAHAHAA...just kidding!! We did, in fact, go bowling. Now, I have bowled against women before(Brenda and Gina), and I got my ass kicked both times. So, before we even got started, I fully expected to lose. I am happy to report that I lived down to my expectations. 3 games, and I lost by 10, 19, and 36 pins respectively, so you can see I was thoroughly and severely beaten. Oh, well...I wish I could say that I at least won the game of pool we played beforehand, but a scratch on the 8-ball prevents me from doing so..lol.

After that, a tasty chili spaghetti dinner, and then back to my house. We got there just in time to watch the scene in "The Green Mile" where they execute Eduard Delacroix. If you have seen it(even if you haven't), it is the most gruesome scene in the movie. What a rousing way to kick off some alone time..lol.

And that's it. A great time was had by all :-) Yes, I know...I promised graphic details of "hot monkey love"...well, I am far too much of a gentleman for that. Let's just say that if there WAS monkey love last night(wink, wink), it(or at least parts of it)was hot(wink, wink)..lol. And, I should add that I have a big smile on my face :-D

Of course, THAT could just be because I have a girlfriend now :-D Have a great day, everyone!!
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March 2
So much for March coming in like a lion. Except for being just a little bit chillier than I like it, what a beautiful sunny day yesterday was!! Made even more beautiful by the fact that I got to sit out in it for awhile with my arms around Nilla :-) She actually came over to help me rake and bag up the leaves around the trailer, so it wasn't all fun and games, but the help and the company made it seem like not so much work. Thanks again, Nilla :-)

I got an unpleasant surprise Wednesday night, some news that kind of bummed me out a little. My buddy Dave called. I haven't talked to him in...oh, about a month at least. We were jamming some with a drummer friend of his, with sort of an eye toward getting out and playing the bars.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I wasn't holding up my end of things. A lot of nights we were supposed to jam, I didn't feel like doing it. Some nights I had things to do, some nights I was sick, some nights I just wasn't sufficiently motivated to get out of the house.

Still, it was something of a shock when Dave told me that him and Earl had been jamming with another bass player, and they had a singer and would probably be ready to start playing out in early April. If he had only told me, "Get your shit together, or we're going to find somebody else," it would have been nice. I might even have done it. I mean, I am in a band that hasn't worked in over a year, so I am used to inactivity..lol.

I don't know the reason for my apathy...I think part of it had to do with not being real wild about some of the tunes(and since Dave told me they were now working up some songs by STP and Alice in Chains, that would be even more so)...part of it had to do with the fact that when WE jammed, Dave and I did the singing, and for the most part, we(especially I)sucked. If we had had an actual singer that I thought sounded good, I might have been more enthusiastic.

Part of it...fuck, I dunno...I have mentioned before about how it is still a struggle sometimes for me to do anything that involves getting out of the house, I'm sure that had a lot to do with it, although I guess if I had been more excited about the situation....like I said, I just dunno.

So, anyway....bummed out would sum it up, I guess. If it had been me, I might not have waited for me to get off my ass, either, so I can't hold it against them. When they start hitting the bars, I'm sure I'll go check them out. For Dave(and to a lesser extent Earl, cuz I just don't know him as well as I know Dave), I hope it works out. And since he is reading this(another surprise, but a pleasant one..lol), good luck, dude!!

Another pleasant surprise...just got to chat with Nilla for a minute :-) I didn't tell her I was bummed out, because it would have taken too long to explain. Easier for her to just read it here, I hope you understand, Nilla. I feel a little better now for having gotten it all out, anyway, so thanks for listening. Have a great day...looks like another beauty here :-)

March 3
I'm not looking forward to getting on the scale Monday. The week started out pretty good. Still not eating right, sure, but at least I was back in the groove of going to the Y. Now, all of a sudden it's Saturday, and it's been 2 days since I have gone. I raked leaves Thursday, but I'm sure that didn't burn as many calories as walking a couple of miles.

I can feel myself slipping into a "blah....." again, if I ever really got out of the last one. Maybe I am just tired....I hope they find out something in that sleep study Wednesday. I did go to the Y today... another one of those little victories worth celebrating, and I was actually feeling pretty good until my favorite walking tape broke. Damn....it's a conspiracy, my brother. C-O-N-Spiracy!

Ah, well....Nilla will be here in a little while. I'll get some good hugs, and all will be right with the world again :-)

March 4
Went to dinner and a movie with Nilla last night. We went to a place called Old Country Buffet. It's one of those "all you can eat" places...probably not a wise choice of restaurant for me, but Nilla wanted to go, and who am I to deny her? I am a prince among men, lemme tell you.

I didn't do too bad there. I probably had a plate and a half of food, so it looked like I had a lot, but I really didn't eat much of it. A couple of bites of chicken and ribs, a little macaroni and some stuffing. Not the healthiest choices to be sure. But, considering the amount of food I COULD have eaten, I would definitely consider that another one of those small victories.

The movie we saw was Hannibal. I tried to warn her about the gross stuff, I already told you that, but we went anyway. There were a few scenes where I had to shield her eyes...they WERE pretty damn gross. Unfortunately, they were also the only scenes of interest in the movie.

I would have to say that overall it was one of the most boring and stupid movies I have ever seen, and when I say stupid, keep in mind that I have seen most of Adam Sandler's movies..lol. I was even struggling to stay awake at one point, and I found out later that Nilla had trouble, too. I sure am glad that we got the matinee price...I'd have hated to pay 7 bucks to see that piece of crap.

March 5
Ah, well...as expected, I put some weight back on this past week. 6 pounds, I am back up to 279. I have been losing and gaining the same 5 or 6 pounds for the last 2 months, it seems like. My first instinct was to be really down on myself. I was even going to title my weekly update "backsliding bastard". But, you know...that just doesn't do anyone any good, least of all me.(Chalk up another one of those small victories.) I know the things that I have to do...I just need to do them.

I am also considering seeking therapy. I know what some of my problems are, but I am not sure how to fix them. One of my biggest problems is, even though I have serious, serious things I need to be concerned about(my health, for one, finding a job, doing my "career" research), what I seem to be focussed on the most is how much attention I am getting (or NOT getting, rather)from certain people. I am sure a therapist will tell me it is all tied together with my low self-esteem. I like myself a lot better than I used to, but I am nowhere close to loving myself(no, Marty, masturbation does NOT count..lol). I need some help to get there.

March 6
Good God...what am I doing on the computer at 4 A.M.? Well, I am up just because I woke up. I am online because I couldn't sleep and I wanted to see if there was anyone around to chat with. I have a friend in Rhode Island who is usually on at 3-4 in the morning and since I haven't chatted with her for awhile, I thought I could catch up with her. Naturally, she is not on this morning. C'est la vie.

I managed to drag my ass down to the Y last night about 7 P.M. The place was packed. I thought that by now all the "New Year's Resolutioners" would have quit going, but they're hangin' tough. The only good thing about that is it gives me a better chance at having something to look at other than watching the ever-present news and sports on the TV's (They have 3 television sets there. It seems like at least 2 of them are tuned to either sports or news at all times. Usually all 3 of them are, but every once in a while someone will put the third one on either the church channel or country music videos. Woo-damn-hoo!!), and there were a couple of cuties there last night.

Speaking of cuties, I get to see MY cutie(Nilla!!)tonight :-) I think we are going to go bowling again, I'm not sure. Maybe I'll go rent a video or something. We have never just sat on the couch and watched a movie, because I am usually taping something. On the other hand...bowling isn't GREAT exercise, but it's better than nothing. Besides, it will give me another chance to exhibit my skill at losing with dignity..lol.

March 7
I had a great time with Nilla last night. We did the bowling thing again because the local lanes have a special on Tuesday nights. She pretty much kicked my ass again, but this time I at least won the first game. We also played the requisite game of pool first, and........once again, I scratched on the 8-ball. Good thing I am used to losing to women..lol.

We were kind of celebrating our 3 month anniversary. Although we just recently became "boyfriend and girlfriend", we started seeing each other about 3 months ago. I got her some carnations, 1 for each month. Corny, I know. It might not sound like we did anything terribly romantic, and I guess maybe we didn't. I really enjoy just being with her, though, and the great hugs and stuff. What else do you need?

The end of the night was a little bit of a downer because our evening got cut short due to a little bit of family trouble. I'm sure everything will work out fine......

I'm getting ready for my big sleep study tonight. I am both looking forward to and dreading it. It will be a good thing if they find I have sleep apnea, cuz it is easy to fix and the doctor told me that once I start getting treatment I should feel better right away.

I am dreading it because I have had the test before, and I know how uncomfortable it is. They attach several wires to your cranium(head), then put one up each nostril, and THEN expect you to sleep...yeah, RIGHT!!! I am also worried that it will turn out not to be apnea, which means the fatigue is either related to the cardiomyopathy, or to the medication I am taking for the cardiomyopathy, and I am just going to have to learn to live with it.

March 9
Hey there! Happy Friday, everybody!! Actually, until I get a job, Friday is just another day to me..lol. On the other hand, it IS one step closer to Saturday, when I get to see Nilla again. So, Happy Friday!! Also, Happy Birthday, Karen!! (A day late.) And, Happy Birthday, Sodapop!!

I survived my sleep study Wednesday night. It wasn't quite as uncomfortable as the one I had previously...I DID manage to get a little shuteye this time, tho I woke up early and was unable to get back to sleep. There certainly wasn't any danger of me getting caught up in something on the tube and not being able to doze off, the set only picked up 2 channels. I was also distressed to find, as I was flipping through channels, my own image staring back at me from the TV screen. I mean, I figured that they had a camera in the room, hell, I even saw the damn thing....that doesn't mean I wanna see myself on TV..lol..anyway, I should get the results back in about a week.

I went to the Y yesterday, 4 days in a row!! Woo-hoo!!! By the time I got home I was really wiped out, though. It was the most tired I have felt in a long time. I only walked on the treadmill for an hour, something I have done many times before. Maybe it was overdoing it a little bit to have the incline set to where it looked like I was climbing Mt. Everest..lol. But, hey...I burned up 850 calories in that hour :-)

Oh, and imagine my surprise when some dude came in and changed all 3 TV sets from the mindless drivel that was on to, from left to right, CNN, ESPN, and FoxNews. I can't decide if these people are mutants for being so hooked on that kind of thing, or if I am for not giving a fuck about 90% of it. Basketball...March Madness. It drives ME mad because I am already sick of hearing about it!!! When does April get here?

March 10
Not much to report so far today, but then it IS only 20 after 7 in the A.M. So then, why am I updating? Fuck, I don't know.....maybe because I am a little down right now and I am looking for something to occupy my time and the Y isn't open yet. Also, I may not have time to later...it's supposed to be Nilladay. I haven't heard from her in a few days, though, so I am not sure she is going to be able to make it. I have my fingers(and toes, and various other appendages)crossed. Maybe more later.......

March 11
They say all good things must come to an end...I just didn't expect it to end so fast. 11 days after Nilla and I officially became "boyfriend and girlfriend", it's over. I wonder...is that some kind of record?

I won't go into all the details. Bottom line is, she can't see me, and life pretty much fucking sucks right now. Don't worry....I am going to try my best not to turn this into the "God, I Really Miss Nilla Page." Of course, right now, you can damn well bet I do. Most of the days I have looked forward to the last 3 months have been the days I knew I was going to see her, hold her......

Ahhhhh, well....I wish her the best, and I hope things work out for her, and I know she does the same for me. The timing just wasn't right. See y'all tomorrow, when together we will face another weigh-in. I don't know about you guys, but I sure can't wait. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

March 12
Yesterday was a good day, considering..... From a weather standpoint, it was awesome!! I don't know what the temperature was, but it was warm enough to walk around in a t-shirt and shorts. It was just a little too cool to walk around naked, but there wasn't any danger of me doing that, anyway..lol.

I started the day off with a rousing 2.7 mile walk at about 4:30 in the A.M., after I finished helping deliver papers. I had been in the habit of doing that just about every Sunday morning, but it has been too cold for the last month or so. In the afternoon, I went to the Y to do the bike/treadmill/weight machine thing. I did the bike and the weights, but it was so nice outside I decided not to waste it, and went walking in the park.

Once around the park was enough to tire me out, pretty much. It felt SOOOOO nice out there, though, and the sun felt so good. I had to spend at least a little more time out there, so I went around again. I am paying for it today, I am pretty sore. It's the closest I have come to walking 6 miles in one day in a very long time. It was worth it, though....except for the minor drag of seeing couples walking around holding hands, and wishing I could be a part of that, I had a great, great time :-)

All told, I made it down to the Y every day last week except Saturday. It paid off, too. I took off 5 of the 6 pounds I put on the week before. The trick, of course, is to stay on that track..lol.

March 13
There's not much to report today. I ate too much yesterday, as usual, but at least most of the snacking/pigging out I did was healthy stuff, like oranges and yogurt(I GUESS yogurt is healthy...it tastes bad enough to be good for you). Not completely, though....I DID sneak a candy bar or 2(or 12..lol)in there.

I also didn't do a fucking thing, exercise-wise, which is worse than the eating. I had a severe lack of motivation for some reason. I don't think it was because I was down about the Nilla thing (OK, part of it probably was....you know I still miss her). Mostly, I was just very tired from everything I did Sunday, I guess, and my ever-present feeling of fatigue. (Which reminds me...I get the results of my sleep study Thursday afternoon. As soon as I know anything, it will be posted here.)

Today is my day to work on the weight machines, though, so I will do my best to make sure I get down to the Y and do a little sweating. I don't want to get behind in increasing my muscle mass....every little bit of muscle fiber I can build that will burn more energy than fat....well, let's just say I need all the help I can get. It feels a little silly for me to use the phrase muscle mass...especially when there are women down at the Y that lift more weights than I do..lol.

My only other plan for today is having lunch with a friend that had the same surgery I did. She had it about 3-4 months ago, I think, and she has lost about 100 pounds already, so she is doing great!! Good job,
Angie!!!

March 16
I know I said I would post my test results as soon as I had them, but I didn't quite get around to it yesterday... forgive me.

The good news is, I don't have sleep apnea. The bad news is, I don't have sleep apnea. I guess it IS good news, but it is sort of disappointing. I wanted to find out that I had it so at least there would some easily identified reason for why I feel so tired all the time. I do have some episodes of sleep apnea whenever I sleep on my back, but the doc said he was pretty much blown away by how good my results were, and my oxygen level never went down, which is the big thing they look for, I guess.

So, I guess it's either from having cardiomyopathy, or from the medication I take. Fatigue is one of its possible side effects. If things don't get any better by the time I go back to the heart doctor in June I will ask if there is any other medication I can take that might do the same thing as the one I am on, that doesn't have fatigue as a potential effect.

And now, people, I will try to quit whining about it, but I make no promises. If you knew how tired I felt most of the time, you might understand. Oooops, was that another whine? Sorry..lol.

March 17
There isn't a whole lot doing today, so just a quick message for ya...HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!!

Let's all go out and eat corned beef and cabbage, and then drink some green beer. We'll drink, drink, DRINK!!!! Until we puke!!! Then, we'll go drink some more!!! Hell, yeah!! Good times....

Seriously....it's just another day to me, but if you're Irish(or just like to pretend you are for the day), have a great(and safe)one!!!!!

March 18
In honor of St. Patty's Day I am leaving the color of the text green for a few days. If nothing else, it may bring back some memories for you party-til-you pukers..lol.

Here it is, 6 A.M., about 30 degrees outside, and I have already walked 2 miles. Of course, it's not like I actually get up just to go for a walk. I was helping deliver newspapers. After I get them folded, it's either just sit there in the van for another hour while we finish, or do something constructive. Since there is not much you can do in a moving van that would be considered constructive, I walk. The cold doesn't bother me that much unless there is snow on the ground, and it was a perfect clear, starry night. Supposed to be sunny and 50 today, too, so I will probably walk in the park later.

Now, to take care of some business, and I can't believe I neglected to mention this....I should be shot, or at the very least given a severe tongue lashing.(No, I would enjoy that too much..lol)

Tuesday, March 13, at 9:51 A.M., I became an uncle yet again when my sister had baby number 3. Alexandria Moon Shore. She was only 6 pounds, 5 and a half ounces....just a regular-sized baby. Not a super-baby like my brother's kid. She IS every bit as cute as he is, though. (I HAD to say that, even though all babies look alike to me..lol)Welcome to the world, Allie!!!
March 19
We are quick to bitch and point out when the weathermen make the wrong call about what the weather is going to be. No one ever says anything when they're right, so I will....they sure made the right call about yesterday. The sun was out, it was 50 degrees...beautiful!!

The only thing I didn't count on was the wind. It was kind of breezy, made it JUST a little too cold to be really comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt. Of course, that's what I walked in, anyway, and it was all right. The sunshine made it all right :-)

I haven't enjoyed being outdoors this much since I was a kid. I DO have to watch it, though...one of the medicines I take has a warning on it to avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight, so I better not overdo it. I don't know what might result from it...maybe I will grow a thrid nipple or something..lol.

I managed to break my "yo-yo" dieting cycle for at least one week. I didn't lose anything, but I didn't gain anything, either. I only made it down to the Y 4 times, though....I have to do better than that.

One final thing....I think I have done a pretty good job as far as not whining about missing Nilla. Make no mistake...some days I miss her so much I can't hardly stand it. Would have been really nice to walk through the park holding her hand.....which probably sounds contradictory to how great I said the day was. The day WAS great...I just always want more..lol.
March 21
It's been an interesting couple of days. As you may know, interesting is not ALWAYS good, Here's a recap....

You ever have one of those days where you either want to slit your wrists or climb up into a tower with an AK-47 and just start laying waste to the human race? Monday was such a day for me. I don't even know why. It started out OK...I was even looking forward to going to the park and
walking in the afternoon. By about 11, though, this dark cloud just sort of setled over me. I didn't feel like doing anything, except maybe crawling in bed with my head under the covers. Maybe bawling my eyes out for awhile.

In the end, I didn't kill myself, and I didn't kill anyone else (although I am still keeping that option open.... all I can say is it's probably a good thing I am usually too broke to be able to afford a gun..lol). Hell, I didn't even hide under the covers and cry. I just moped around all
day, and eventually the feeling passed as suddenly as it arrived. I guess there might be some sort of lesson there...

Tuesday morning, I had to take Alice to the hospital. She was coughing up a little blood. You know she HAD to be scared, because she agreed to go to the hospital. Turned out to be nothing serious...the doc said probably either bronchitis or a sinus infection, gave her some
antibiotics, and told her if she was still coughing blood after 3 or 4 days to come back. What a relief that she hasn't brought up any blood since then. I was ready for a major guilt trip, because I had just told someone that I needed a vacation from her..lol.

Today (yesterday, by the time you read this) was not really anything special, unless you are my younger bro. It's his birthday. Happy Birthday, Matt!! For me, it was just another day, and a pretty fucking blah one at that. I didn't feel like doing anything (again), but I finally
convinced myself to go to the Y this evening so I didn't get too far behind on my weight lifting schedule. (Yes, if you are assuming from that statement that I have taken the last couple of days off, you are right.) I feel a little better for having gone, but overall, I still feel pretty damn blah. I wish I could figure out what it would take to make me happy.

Oh, yeah...I DID manage to accomplish putting in some job applications yesterday. Keep your fingers crossed.

March 24
First of all, Thursday was my friend Cathy's birthday. Happy Birthday, Cathy!! I hope it was a great one :-)

What a night...It's about 12:45 A.M., and I just got back from singing karaoke. How did that come about? I knew some of the people I used to dance with were going, and rather than sit at home and do nothing, I decided to get out of the house and tag along.

I knew from the moment that I decided to go that I wanted to sing...a year ago, I would never even have THOUGHT about getting on stage like that. Sure, I played in a band, but this is completely different, I wasn't the singer in the band. Would I have the balls?

Of course I did!! My balls are as big as grapefruits, don't you know that?? I ended up doing 3 songs, "Peaceful Easy Feeling" by the Eagles and "Brick House" and "Easy" by the Commodores. It helped that I was the second one to go up. If I had seen how good some of the other singers were BEFORE I tried to sing, I might not have done it. It was also smart of me to do the Eagles song first. I mean, I have sang all 3 songs many times at home, but I used to practice "Peaceful Easy Feeling" all the time back when I had visions of taking my acoustic guitar out to the bars and doing a solo gig.

I hit the stage all hopped up on Diet Coke....and I was scared shitless. You could really hear it in the way my voice was wobbling on any of the notes I had to hold. All in all, though, I did pretty well and got a nice round of applause...probably helped by the fact that there were about 10 people in the group I was with..lol.

I should have quit while I was ahead. Some of those people take their karaoke seriously, and they were very good singers. But....I just HAD to try to do "Brick House". It's one of my all-time favorites. I was feeling funky, too, and I wanted to get my groove on..lol. It sucked....but I had a good time up there making a fool of myself.

By the time my shot at "Easy" came around, everyone else in my group had left. I thought about leaving, too...but I knew I couldn't go without trying, at least. Which was a surprise...it's usually "Easy" for me to be a quitter.
Besides, I thought I could channel just enough Lionel Richie to do an OK job of it. It kind of fell apart at the end, but I did a lot better than I really expected to, especially for a white guy (with almost no vocal talent..lol). A couple of people even came up to me and said I had a good voice, and no, they weren't people that knew me. That made me feel really good, and I'm glad I went. I have a feeling I'll probably do it again, since it was a pretty cheap night. I bought one drink and got free refills....can't beat that, OR the thrill of not totally sucking on stage..lol.

By the way, one of the ladies in the group sang also. Rhonda has a lovely voice. She did a great job on the two songs she sang, especially "The Rose." You should sing more, Rhonda :-)
March 26
I talked to Dave last night for the first time in awhile, and it was good to hear from him. I had been meaning to call him, but like so many other things in my life, I hadn't done a very good job of getting around to doing it.

It turns out that he felt bad, after reading here that I felt bad about the whole band thing. I apologized for making him feel that way, but I'd like to do it again here, since this is where it started.

I'm sorry, Dave...I was just getting stuff off my chest. I told you last night that I hope things work out for you guys, and I meant that. I also said I want to come hear you play, and I meant that, too. I've always thought you were an awesome guitar player, I hope you know that... I am also going to be calling you soon, because I forgot to ask you what you guys are calling yourselves...so if you don't have a name yet, better get your thinking cap on....(Dave and the Dudes, maybe? I know, stupid name. I was just kidding....)

The truth is, music is just not much of a priority for me right now. I am too busy worrying about other things, and with me being either so tired or so lazy all the time (I haven't decided which it is...I think a lot of it has to do with my opinion of myself at the moment. If I like me, I am fatigued. If I am not liking me so much, I am just an incredibly lazy bastard), I just couldn't get into it enough to do what I needed to do. Of course, that could all change tomorrow. I am unpredictable, like the wind....

Oh, and I weighed yesterday, too. No change. Which is semi-good...at least I didn't gain anything. 274, 198 pounds lost, for the record.

March 27
I don't have a whole lot to say today. I wasn't even going to post anything, but something changed my mind. I logged in to see how many times my page was viewed yesterday...35. I was absolutely floored, especially since the people that I KNOW visit on a regular or semi regular basis numbers less than 10.

So, I wanted to say thank you, for one thing. I mainly do this for my own enjoyment and to let off some steam, but it is nice to know that there are people reading. Secondly, I would appreciate some occasional feedback, in terms of...oh,
are there certain areas of life that you would rather I write about, other than whatever random musings come to mind? Do I get too personal? Am I not personal enough? I can't say that it will change the content or style of my writing any...but it COULD. I AM curious, tho...so, if you ever have the time, drop me a line @ nortonsavage@yahoo.com
And, hey...thanks again, everyone, for reading. Have a great day :-)

March 28
Yesterday was kind of a dreary day, from a weather perspective AND from a physical/emotional standpoint. I went over to the park and sat there and read for awhile, trying to summon up sufficient motivation to take a walk, but I never made it. I went to the Y and lifted weights and rode the exercise bike a little, so it wasn't a complete waste.

I think I was mostly just tired from delivering the papers Monday night and then not getting much sleep, but it was partly missing someone who shall remain nameless...anyway, I am trying to remember that it doesn't do any good to dwell on it. I went home from the Y and took a little nap,
felt a little better then.

I got a call from Brenda, that was pretty much a surprise. She had her surgery in April, so she is coming up on her 1 year anniverary soon. She's doing great, she's lost about 100 pounds. Way to go, Brenda! We didn't really talk too long...I was asleep when she called and kind of in a fog.I think she asked me if I want to have lunch when she comes into town for her check-up, and I think I said yes, but I might have to call and ask her to make sure. <== This would be the kind of place I would ordinarily stick an "lol".

I talked to Dave for awhile again, too (the name of the band is Stony Kurtis...better than Dave and the Dudes). It was kind of kind of fun remembering some of the good, old days of The Knadz (yes, that was the name of the band we were in...go, Knadz, go!!). We played a place once, a real
redneck-type bar we called the Riverfront. This was the place where, after playing a song by the Chili Peppers, we heard the immortal words, "Hey, don't play that nigger music here." Also the place where (and I do believe this was in fact the very same night) some old, drunk bar skank spent the better part of 2 sets yelling after every song,
"Play 'Turn the Page', Goddammit!!!" Finally, on one of our breaks one of us (I like to think I was the one that had this brainstorm, but I couldn't swear to it) put a quarter in the jukebox and played "Turn the Page" (Goddammit!!) to shut her up. Ahhhhh, lemme tell ya......good times. <== insert sarcastic "lol" here

March 29
Yesterday....all my troubles seemed so far away....now it looks as though they're here to stay...oh, hey there... sorry, I was just thinkning about how a lot of entries start with the word yesterday and I got sidetracked. Yesterday (actually last night) was a little frustrating.

They had something at the mall called a "job fair". A lot of companies had information tables set up, and they were taking applications, etc. Since I am looking for a job, I thought it would be a good thing for me to check out. All it really did was point out how woefully unqualified and inexperienced I am for any job that seemed remotely interesting to me. To make matters worse, it seemed like all of the places that DID have unskilled and/or entry-level positions available were in Cincinnati or Dayton. My car is just not reliable enough to make a 45-minute drive every day. Nevertheless, I did put in some applications.

Adding to my frustration is the fact that today I have an appointment with my rehabilitation counselor. I know...that is really a good thing. It's just that in the course of doing the career research thing, I have not come across anything that really seems thrilling. I mentioned this the other day, I know....there are plenty of things that sound like they MIGHT be interesting, but nothing that just really screams out my name. As Mary pointed out to me, they call it "work" for a reason. Oh well...quit whining, Marty, and get the fuck on with life. Wish me luck today.... full report tomorrow.

March 30
My meeting with the rehab counselor went OK. I was pretty stressed about it, since (as you know) I haven't been able to decide on a career. I fully expected him to come down on me, call me loser, etc.... No, I didn't really think it would be that extreme, but I DID expect there to be some pressure, and maybe some, "Well, what the hell have you been doing all this time?!?!" kinda stuff. He was really cool about it, though...

He told me to take a couple more weeks, do some more research...the tests they gave me ranked me in three areas, interests, ablilities, and values. I have been focusing on areas where my interests and abilities matched, and not giving much consideration to my values. (I actually didn't think I HAD any values.) I am going to look more at the areas where my abilities and my values match, and see if I can come up with anything. If not, it's back to my original plan (well, plan B), find something I can live with, just to finally get started doing SOMEthing.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Sunday we are having a party to celebrate my younger bro's and my birthdays. His was March 21, and mine is April 10, so we kind of split the difference. With 2 new babies in the family it will make it easier for everyone to just have to get together once. I HOPE it is just a coincidence that it happens to be April Fool's
Day :-)

March 31
If you haven't already read about it in your e-mail, I had an idea yesterday that I hope is going to help motivate me to walk some more. I am staging my own walk-a-thon in September. I am hoping all of my friends will pledge some money for me to walk 10 or 15 miles (right now I am leaning toward 10, but we will see how it goes). I suggested $20 in my e-mail, and I apologize for that...I realize maybe not everyone can give that much. Believe me, every bit will be appreciated, whatever the amount.

I probably should have kept it all between just me and my friends and acquaintances for awhile, but....I was so excited by the idea that I posted an open letter to a couple of mailing lists I belong to. I have received words of support from 3 of my friends, and 2 people from one of the mailing lists. Very encouraging so far, and thank you very much.

Now, just as I promised not to turn this into the "I Miss Nilla" page, I promise to try not to make the page all about THIS thing. Of course, it's inevitable that I will talk about it at least a little bit, since I will have to be thinking about it a lot.

Wow....Monday is the start of baseball season, and I am going to my very first Opening Day. Hot damn!!!!
By the way....I AM excited about the walk-a-thon, I DO miss Nilla, and, oh yeah, tonight (Saturday night) is spring forward night. Don't forget to set your clocks ahead an hour (except those of you who live in Indiana).
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April 1
I did my first "training" walk yesterday....I went 28 miles!! April Fool's!!! Seriously, I DID do my first walk with the intent of training for the big event. I did 3 miles at a pretty good pace, and then another 1.5 miles at a more relaxed one. I still haven't figured out what is the best way to go about preparing for something like this. If anyone can offer any suggestions, I am happy to listen. nortonsavage@yahoo.com . Thanks :-)

It is in fact April Fool's Day. I will be weighing myself later today on the way to my little birthday celebration, before I eat some pizza and cake. I have a feeling I am going to wish the numbers I see on the scale are a prank..lol. I think I am back up this week, because I took a few days off without getting much exercise. Ahhh, well...it'll come back off eventually.

By the way, today is also the birthday of Donnie, former drummer for The Knadz and The Notations/Main Street Exchange(that's the wedding gig band I was in). Happy Birthday, Donnie!!

April 2
I ate too much yesterday, I didn't get any exercise, I didn't weigh myself as I said I would, but it was a good day nonetheless :-)

We had a birthday get-together, for me (April 10), my bro (March 21) and my bro's father-in-law (April 7). We went to a pizza place that I had never been to before, about 15 minutes up the highway near the world-famous (haha) Dayton Mall. I should say, the party was SUPPOSED to be for us, but the undisputed centers of attention were the new additions to the family, Sammy and Ally.

And hey, that's OK with me, as long as I get my loot. And some cool loot it was....a ticket to another Reds game with bro (to see them whip the Brewers' ass, Gina!!!), a couple of really cool Reds hats, a couple of really cool Reds shirts....as you can see, if you buy me something Reds associated, there's a good bet that you can't go wrong.

One of the hats and shirts came from a very good friend of mine, and she got a matching set for bro. An interesting (to me, anyway) aside....bro got the 3x shirt, and I got the 2x....hot damn, I never thought I would see the day!! I also got a couple of pairs of nice shorts and a really nice shirt...I be steppin' out in style!! The best part was just hanging out with family and friends...I even got videotaped holding Ally for a few minutes, but I have to admit I gave her back to her mom real quick when she started squirming around..lol.

Today should be an equally cool day, because, as I think I may have mentioned once or thrice...it's OPENING DAY!!! 2001 Reds all the way, baby!! World Series, here we come!!!

April 3
The smell of hot dogs and popcorn, the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd....OPENING DAY, BABY!!!! The start of a new baseball season, when hope springs anew, and every fan thinks their team has a chance to go all the way....

I met up with my bro at his work for the ride down to Cincy. Brian, one of bro's co-workers, went with us. When we got down to the stadium, we hooked up with yet another of their work buddies, Stu. Stu and his posse were doing a little tail-gating thing, so we hung out there for awhile, talking and munching, having a couple brews....me and bro decided that the last time I went to a game Dave Parker was with the team, so it's probably been at least a good 10 years.

I tried a piece of deer sausage. It looked just like a Hillshire Farms summer suasage, or something. The taste was pretty good, but I found the texture a little off-putting. I had to eat it along with a piece of hot pepper cheese to get it down...I didn't want to just throw it away or spit it out, I'm not THAT rude.....

There were 2 things that had been in the back of my mind. Little worries, I guess....making it through the turnstile (last time I was there, I had to get them to let me through a different gate), and, of course, will my big ass fit in the seat?? I made it through the turnstile all right (YAY!).

Our seats were about 15-20 rows from the top of the stadium, so we stopped to get some hot dogs and beers to take up with us. I wish now that I had bought some popcorn (once we were seated, the only vendor we saw was selling cotton candy, woo-fucking-hoo! Oh, I forgot...the frosty malt man made ONE trip up our aisle, but I didn't want one of those, either), but we already had enough to carry and I didn't want to stand in another line for a half-hour.

Now, the answer to the big question...YESSSS!!! My big ass fits into a tiny stadium seat!!! It was a little cramped...everything above the seat rails kind of spilled over into bro's territory because he was sandwiched between me and Brian. It wasn't bad enough to be uncomfortable, though, so I was able to relax and enjoy the game.

Oh yeah, the game....it was kinda close for awhile, but then it turned into pretty much a butt-whuppin' by the Braves. That's the only thing that kept it from being a perfect day...it was pretty damn great, though :-)

April 4
Hey, peoples....I am a little late posting today because I delivered newspapers last night. When I came home, I actually went to bed for awhile instead of getting on the computer. OK, OK....I DID check my
e-mail first, but I had INTENDED to go to bed without even turning the computer on...maybe one day I will get back to the place where I can do something like that.

I can see the beautiful blue sky out my window as I type, and I can see the sun shining in through the window on the other side of Casa de Luna, and it's supposed to get up to at least 60 today, so I won't be long in sitting here.......I WILL be spending some time out there walking today.

I forgot to mention this the other day, when I walked the 4.5 miles (of course, this is something that might fall under the category of Too Much Information), but there is something about the park that could make it a problem for any long distance walking....all of the portable toilets along the path are gone. Which is something I never really cared about before, it's not like I actually WANT to use a portable toilet. But, you know...when ya gots to go, baby, ya GOTS to go!!!

I read in the USA Today about a website called "Am I Hot or Not?", where people submit their pics and then other people can stop by and rate them. Now, I don't know what possessed me to do this....I must have been smoking crack or something but I figured, what the hell? and posted my pic. I thought about sending everyone the url and urging y'all to vote, but I didn't think that would be fair.

The first time I checked, I had a 5.7 rating, and I was hotter than 53% of the men on the site. I just checked back, and with the maximum number of possible votes, my rating has slipped to 4.8 and I am only hotter than 43% of the men. I guess I feel pretty good about that...I rated myself a 5 when I posted the pic, so that's right in the ballpark. That must be a damn ugly 43%, though......

April 5
Well, as I promised, I didn't spend a whole lot of time sitting in front of the computer yesterday...well, OK, yes I did. Ummmm, yeah, uh...OK, so I didn't go for a walk, but I DID take care of some overdue business, and it was a good day nonetheless.

My plan after posting the journal was to go pay some bills and then hit the park for a nice, long walk. While I was taking a shower, though, I got a phone call that changed my plans...a job interview!!!! WOO-HOO!!! I didn't want to get all sweaty and have to shower again (I ended up having to shower again anyway, but that's another story), so I did the bill thing and then came home.

My bro let me borrow a pair of his pants for the interview, because all I own are a couple of old pairs of jeans. Besides being very worn-out looking, the jeans are also terribly saggy and baggy now. More cause for excitement on my part, bro's pants were a size 46...they were a little tight, but by no means uncomfortable....suprised the hell out of me. I can't remember the last time I wore a
40-something pair of pants.


Anyway, the face-to-face interview went well. The next step is a phone interview, which I have also done, and I will get the results this evening. The store manager told me that he still had a couple of interviews to do, but at that point, provided I do all right on the phone interview, I am the one he will hire...so please keep your fingers crossed.

After I rehashed the interview for my bro and his wife, I REALLY MEANT to go for a walk...it was beautiful outside. I stopped at the school first to see if I could get some pictures scanned...I was supposed to e-mail pics of Sammy Superbaby to some friends of theirs about a month ago, but I hadn't gotten around to it.

I know, it's too late to make a long story short.... but I got those pics scanned, and scanned some others that I had with me. Of course, then I got side-tracked playing around with Photoshop, cropping all the pics and messing around with different effects. I had never done that before. All in all, a good and an interesting day, and possibly a great day. Send your collective good energy my way, please :-)

April 6
This has been a pretty shitty week for exercise on my part. I haven't felt like going to the Y and lifting weights because I have been having some pain in my left shoulder/chest area, on around to my back. I must have strained a muscle or something...I'm going to give it a few more days to rest, and then go back to a little bit lighter weight.

I haven't walked much because, well....let's see.....
Sunday I was busy all day with the birthday party, Monday I was busy most of the day at the ball game (OPENING DAY, BABY!!!), and when I got home I was just too wiped out to do anything. Tuesday, I was just a lazy, slacker bastard... Wednesday, I had INTENDED to walk, but I ended up getting sidetracked by various things....interview, paying bills....playing on the computer **hangs head in shame**. Oh, well.....

Thursday started out as a major bummer...I had plans to do something Thursday morning, but they fell through. It was a spectacular day, though, so I thought maybe some walking would help cheer me up. I started to walk at the track for a change, since I was driving right past it, and also because I wasn't in the mood to deal with even the small hills that the park has. However.....I thought that seeing some hot chickies at the park might help to improve my mood as much as the walking.

The walking and the weather were great. It was so warm and and it felt so good that I even took my shirt off. The chickies were a disappointment...there weren't any. Until.....I saw this one really beautiful girl walking her dog. Or being walked by her dog...I am still not sure who was in charge. I ended up doing 5 miles...I also got sunburned just a little bit, especially on the top of my big, bald head, but not bad enough for it to be painful, thank goodness.

The rest of the night was just sitting around biting my nails and waiting for a phone call from the dude that interviewed me Wednesday. He never called, so I am going to wait until about 10 this morning and then I'm going to call him. If I get any news later today, I'll be sure to post it...wish me luck :-)

April 7
I called the job guy around 11 A.M. yesterday. He told me that he had planned on calling me later in the day. He said he was too busy to talk right at the moment, and could he call me back later? Naturally, I said, "Sure." He never called....

My natural inclination is to think, "Of course, that means I didn't get the job. If he had planned to hire he, he would have just told me to come in at such-and-such a time. Why would anyone want to hire a fucking loser like you??"

I'm trying not to be down about it....I was just excited about the prospect of getting to go back to work, especially at a job that I didn't think would be too physically demanding for me to start with. I think I neglected to mention, the job is doing film processing at CVS, which is a pharmacy chain, in case they don't have them in your area.

My brother says the the guy probably would have just said something if he WASN'T going to hire me, so maybe I still have a shot. I am undecided about what to do now, whether to contact him again or just wait and see if he calls. Mary and my sister-in-law both say I should call him....so, that's probably what I will do sometime today.

April 8
Yesterday was a good day, in a hanging-out not doing anything kinda way. Me and Alice went over to little bro's house for dinner (round steak in mushroom gravy w/home-made mac and cheese, bro's favorite meal...makes me wonder when we are going to have MY favorite, fried chicken w/the same mac and cheese. I know, I know...it's not like I really need to be eating EITHER meal). Followed by german chocolate cake, which happens to be the favorite of both of us :-)

I also stopped by CVS, and "just happened" to run into the guy that was supposed to call me about the job. He told me that he is still waiting for some information, something to do with letting go someone that already works there, I think. He didn't come out and say I am the one he is going to hire, but he didn't give me any reason to believe I am NOT the one, either. So, there is still hope, and I felt a little better after talking to him.

I forgot to mention that after last week's weigh-in I was up to 276....yes, yes, I gained 2 pounds. Well, today I have yet again lost those 2 pounds...the yo-yo is alive and well. Considering food consumption and relative lack of exercise this week, pretty cool.

There is something about the size of my stomach (besides the obvious shrinkage) that I think is also pretty cool. Since it is smaller than it used to be (and yes, even though I eat too much, I am convinced that it IS smaller...the thing that's saving me is that I can't eat as much as I used to), I get drunk on a smaller amount of alcohol.

I felt like doing a little bit of drinking the other night. I knew it wouldn't solve anything, but I told myself I deserve to get a little buzz on every now and then if I want to. After 2 beers, I was feeling pretty good. I must also sober up faster, because just a little while later I felt completely fine. So, I drank a couple more beers. Woo-hoo!!

April 9
Hmmm.....what can I bitch about today? I can't really think of anything, I feel pretty content right at the moment. Of course, that could change later today. Hell, if you know ANYthing about me, you know that could change 5 minutes from now.

The main thing on my agenda today is hopefully finding out whether or not I have a job. Since the guy said he doesn't work until this afternoon, he probably won't call until this evening at the earliest. It'll drive me nuts to sit around the house and wait that long, so I will have to make sure I get out and do something. Probably walk, and maybe do some light weight-lifting. My shoulder is feeling better, and I sure don't wanna go all "gonzo weight-lifter guy" and hurt it again.

Oh, hey...just thought of something to bitch about. I get to spend my birthday delivering newspapers. YAY!!!
Ahhhh, well....we already did the get-together thing, anyway, so it's not like I have anything else going on.

April 10
Well, my birthday got off to a
rip-roaring start. As I said before, I had to deliver newspapers. Which really isn't THAT big a deal....as much as I bitch about it, I really sort of enjoy it sometimes. You're out, you pretty much have the streets to yourself, get some good tunes jamming on the radio. Usually doing the route on a Monday night is about 3 hours of (almost) fun. Pretty painless. Notice I said USUALLY....last night wasn't one of those nights.

The papers were an hour late, and there was a section to put in... (Normally, I just have to roll the papers up in a plastic bag and throw them. If there is a section, then you have to put two pieces of the paper together before you roll them up. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it can get kind of tricky when you're trying to drive and throw them, too.) So, the night is off to a rousing start, but it gets better....

About 2/3 of the way through, it started to storm. Bad.
Pouring rain, bad-ass lightning....SCARY lightning. Now, because of the rain, you have the added step of tying the plastic bags the papers are in before you throw them. Plus, I knew Alice would be awake and nervous in Trailer de la Luna (bad weather like that scares her), so I went and asked if she wanted to go out with me while I finished up. Stop on the way to pick up the Sunday comics so they don't get TOO soaked, soaking myself in the process. All of a sudden, we are talking about 4 and 1/2 - 5 hours of shitty night. Happy Birthday to me....

Job guy never called last night, either...what a fucking shock. I think it's time to give up on that one.... On the plus side, I did receive some lovely greetings from a few people, both in real life and on line.....and that is what should be worth remembering. Thanks, everyone.

April 12
I called the guy from CVS again yesterday. I am kinda getting tired of fucking around with the dude, but for some reason I really want this job. The latest scoop is that he has to wait for the company's loss prevention people to visit the store in order for him to get rid of someone that's already working there.

Theoretically, after this happens (Tuesday, he said), I will be hired. I say theoretically because he didn't come right out and say I am the one he is going to hire. He said I am the best person he has interviewed so far, but he didn't say he wasn't going to interview anyone else. So, I guess my plan is to keep my fingers crossed, but to keep putting in applications in the meantime. I was hoping he would just say, "I am going to hire you when we get rid of this person, can you start such-and-such date?" so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Oh well, no one said life was going to be without worry.

I had lunch with Brenda yesterday. She has lost about 100 pounds and looks really good. The doctor told her he doesn't think she will have to have to abdominoplasty... good news for her. I have so much skin I just don't think that is going to be an option for me.

The training continues....I walked 6 miles at the park. That's 4 times around. Even with kind of meandering the last time around, I finished in 1 hour and 54 minutes. My legs and feet were kind of sore but I actually think it was worse when I walked 5 miles a few days ago. I must say, I really enjoy walking without a shirt on and the fact that I can do it without giving a fuck what anyone thinks about
me :-)

Another birthday has come and gone. Physically, it's the best I have felt on my birthday in many, many years. Emotionally, it was a lot of the same ol', same ol'....maybe I will be an adult one of these days.

April 13
Although I am writing this Thursday evening, it will be Friday by the time you read it, so Happy Friday the 13th!!

I just came back from a support group meeting. I have mixed feelings about these things. It's nice to see how people are doing and share in their successes, but
I often leave them feeling like they were a waste of my time. There's just enough good feelings and sometimes useful information to keep me going back.

A lot of the time I leave early. I happened to stay at this one because I thought I overheard someone say something about giving away a cruise....apparently they were talking about something else, because no cruise was given away tonight. Consequently, I am feeling like this one was a waste of my time (it was a fashion show, and there weren't any men's clothes) and I wish I had left early.

I am also curious about the attitude of some of these people. I mean, they went through the process of having surgery to lose weight, but I always hear quite a few of them griping when they find out they could have parked in a place where they only had to walk 10 feet to get to the meeting. It's called exercise, people, and the more of it you do the more weight you'll lose...sheesh!!!

Speaking of losing weight....I may jinx myself by saying this....after all, nothing is official until my Sunday weigh-in, but......I weighed before the meeting, so I could have as up-to-date a number as possible, and I was down to 270!! I finally broke that elusive 200 pound barrier, by 2 pounds!! Woo-hoo!!! So, as long as I don't fuck up too bad and gain more than 2 pounds before Sunday, I will be a happy camper :-)

April 14
Friday was an absolutely gorgeous day. The sun was out, it was warm, but not TOO hot. It was a perfect day for a walk in the park. Did I take a walk in the park??? Well, no.........but I got plenty of exercise just the same.

I went over to younger bro's house and cut his grass. The back yard. I had already cut the front the other day, and it took me about 10 minutes. The BACK yard is another story, however. I am not very good at estimating distances, but the yard is about...... oh...I'd say......just about one HUGE ASS YARD!!!! To make it even worse, it has about 3 different levels, with 2 very pronounced downhill slopes.

I was there for 2 1/2 hours, with about 45 minutes of break time figured in, so I was cutting for a good hour and 45 minutes, at least. I didn't feel TOO tired afterwards, but it was a lot harder than I expected it to be....I had originally turned down bro's offer to pay me, but after I was finished I gladly reversed my postion and acepted his money.

I was a little tired when I was done, and maybe I should have gone home and rested....but it was so nice outside, and bro wanted to play some basketball. Now, I don't make any claims to being any good at basketball, but it was a chance to do something a little different and get some exercise, so it was off to older bro's house and his 7 feet high (maybe even less than that) basketball rim.

I didn't really have any illusions that I would be serious competition for bro. He's a pretty big guy, too (I am, in fact, lighter than him now. WOO-HOO!!!), but he plays basketball with his friends on a semi-regular basis. I played a little bit against older bro about a month ago, and we all played some around Thanksgiving, or Labor Day, but before that I bet it had been at least 15 years before I played.

It turns out I surprised both of us. We played a game called 21 (or City, depending on where you grew up). You go to 21 points (duh!), 2 pointers from the field, Make it and you get to take foul shots (1 point). He won 3 games in a row, but by gosh I made him work for them! I was ahead in the first and second games for awhile before he finally put me away. The third game he polished me off fast, 13-2. Should have quit, but we wanted to go one more time.

That game was the closest of all. Back and forth, forth and back....both of us charging around the court with all the grace of pregnant water buffaloes. The score tied, 18 - 18, and bro hit one to go up by 2. If he makes the foul shot, it's four wins in a row for him. CLANG!! Let me tell you, Shaq himself doesn't shoot any heavier bricks than bro did..lol.

I grab the rebound and put it in, and now the score is knotted at 20. I make the foul shot, I win the game. I miss, and we both bust and go back to 13. The ball spins off my fingers in a nice high arc....I just had a feeling. "Yeah, baby!!" Down, off the backboard, and SNAP! through the net!! "Boo-yeah!!!" I don't know which one of us was more shocked. But, I must say, I was pretty fucking happy..lol. Of course, I am paying for it now....my legs are sore and my back is killing me and I am walking around like I am 80 years old...but it was worth it. What a great day :-)

April 15
Me and Alice went over to little bro's house for dinner last night...steaks on the grill, and a baked potato. Hot damn!! Good eats....chocolate chip cookie for dessert, too. I walked 3 miles, too, so I am hoping that was enough to counteract dinner and that I am still less than 272 when I weigh later today. If not, oh well....

Other than that, the day was kinda shitty for the most part, both literally and figuratively. But, you know, for a change I am not going to go over it in excruciating detail. It's over, and life goes on :-) Have a great day, and Happy Easter!

EASTER MORNING

OK, OK.....I couldn't wait. I got home from the paper route at 5:30 this morning, and after I took a shower, I HAD to go see how much I weigh. Did I manage to stay under 272 pounds??? HELL YEAH!!!(ooops...I mean HECK. It IS Easter, after all.) 269, baby!! I even lost 1 more since Thursday, bringing me to a grand total of 203 pounds lost. It IS a Happy Easter. I hope y'all have (had) a great day :-)

April 16
I talked to younger bro for a couple of minutes yesterday and told him his efforts to sabotage me with steak and chocolate chip cookies failed. I am kidding, of course...we like to joke around that he wants me to gain weight again so he will be lighter than me, but I know he is really happy for me and (sniff, sniff...pardon me while I wipe away a tear) proud of me. In fact, he said I should thank him, because it was cutting his grass that allowed me to lose the 5 pounds. And he's probably right, but it was MY idea to do it.

Older bro and his wife and kids came over for a little bit, too. I think I shocked everyone (myself included) when I jumped up off of the couch and started wrestling around with Little Billy. Maybe the adult thing would have been to let him win, but, I dunno...I guess I got caught up in the excitement. After all, it HAD been centuries since I'd done anything like that....I just HAD to show this little 8 year old punk who was boss by grinding him into the carpet and pinning him. Sorry for the bloody nose......Of course, once again, I am kidding. It's just a show, kids. No one was actually hurt during the filming of that scene..lol.

April 17
I hope y'all got your income tax filed by 12:00 A.M. today so the big, bad I.R.S doesn't come swooping down on your asses. I haven't had to mess with them for the last few years. I am actually looking forward to having to file next year, because it means that I will have been working. YAY!!

Yesterday was really cool. Me and little bro went over to older bro's house and we all hooped it up. That means we played basketball. Don't worry...I won't go into all the details today...I was just so excited the other day by actually winning a game that I got carried away. I DID win another game, tho :-)

The really cool thing was I rode older bro's bike!! Now, I have been trying to remember the last time I rode, and it seems like it was the summer of '85 or '86. Me and Chuck used to ride around in the middle of the night. I think it was probably '85, because my dad died in May of '86 and by the time summer rolled around I was pretty busy wallowing in self-pity and eating. Anyway, it's been about 15 years...

They say you never forget how to ride a bike, and I guess that's true. You DO get rusty, though, and I almost wiped out in front of a busload of school kids..lol. It was great to feel the wind blowing through my stubble (Bill shaved my head again, too). I only rode a couple of blocks, but damn, it made me wanna get a bike!! I also heard an ad on the radio this morning while delivering papers for a 150-mile bike ride to raise money for MS...and I am thinking that I am going to do THAT next year...I got my big walk to train for this year :-)

April 18
Damn, what is this stuff?!?!? I thought winter was over?!? I went to the park and tried to walk yesterday around noon. I knew it was supposed to be a little cold, so I wore a sweatshirt and jacket. I definitely wasn't prepared for the howling wind and the snow, tho....snow?? I only made about a half mile before I turned around and headed back to the car.

Dedicated exerciser that I am, tho (yeah, right!!)...I went back later to try again. It was a lot calmer this time...until I started on the second lap around the park, and then the wind kicked up again and the snow started. It happened a few times...every time it started to snow or rain, I was walking straight into the wind. Felt like I was getting jabbed in the face with ice picks...I hung in there and got 4 1/2 miles in this time around.

So, why didn't I just quit? I dunno.....I knew I needed the exercise. I guess I could have gone to the Y, but I wasn't really in a social mood. It was kind of cool having the park all to myself. I thought I WAS alone, as a matter of fact, until a runner passed by me from behind and scared the hell out of me...

Maybe part of it is, as someone once told me, I am a glutton for punishment. The pain felt good, refreshing....cleansing. I think I like to make myself suffer sometimes. Because sometimes I think I DESERVE to suffer....for crimes against myself and humanity. But, I am trying to get out of thinking like that. It's an on-going process, with slip-ups just like a diet has. Forgive me this little slip-up.

Besides.......whenever I do something semi-tough like that, I get to whine about it later, or impress people with my "dedication" (or maybe my stupidity)..lol.

April 19
I talked to the guy from CVS again yesterday....now, his story is, "We let go one of the people I wanted to, but we couldn't get rid of the other one. Now, they're telling me I have to cut back, and I don't have enough hours right now to hire someone new. If you can just bear with me another week....." So, I am going to do what I should have been doing all along, which is hope this works out but keep putting in other applications. I just kept thinking that eventually he was going to hire me. I'm pretty good for not facing up to reality.

April 20
Hey, it's 4/20...Happy Stoners' Day!!

I forgot to tell you part of my convo w/CVS guy....he said that when he DID get an opening, I would be the first person he'd call. What I thought was, "Yeah, right...I'm supposed to believe that?! After 3 fucking times you said you'd get back to me and you never called me, motherfucker?!?!" What I said was, "All right. **big smile** Thanks a lot for letting me know." No sense in alienating him....

Yesterday was pretty crappy....I was down about the job thing and some other stuff. Didn't walk, pretty much didn't do anything except help big bro out a little and then come home and take a nap. I feel better today, tho.....gonna get out and walk a little, if it stops raining. Also, gonna put in a few apps. Wish me luck :-)

April 21
I thought I had a job (again) yesterday.....

I went to a gas station not too far from here that had a help wanted sign posted. The guy said he didn't have any openings (so why did you have a sign, fuckhead???) but if I wanted to drive to Mason, I could probably start that night, the manager there was desperate for someone to work.

Now, Mason is about a 25-30 minute drive from my house. At least...I forgot to time it while I was driving. Way farther than I wanted to go in my gas-guzzling, piece of shit earth shuttle-mobile....but hey, it's 8 bucks an hour, 320 a week, and I figured I could work and make some money and still look for something closer to home. So, I go....and
on the way I am feeling scared and nervous, but most of all excited. "Yeah!! Got me a job! Allllright!!!" Imagine how thrilled I was when I finally found the place and the manager told me he had already hired 2 guys, and that basically I put my last 6 bucks in the gas tank to fucking drive down there for nothing....

I used to think I was fairly smart, but I dunno....you'd think that I would learn not to get too excited or happy about something until it actually fucking happens. That goes for a job or anything else....if I start to look forward to something too much, I might as well fucking forget it, it ain't gonna happen.

April 22
I went to another Reds game with little bro yesterday. They lost again :-( Now, the first game we went to was Opening Day. I would have liked to see the Reds win, but there was an inherent excitement to being there just because of that fact. This was just another game, so just being there root, root, rooting for the home team wasn't enough...I wanted a victory, by God!!! Oh, well...we certainly ate good. Typical ball park fare (hot dogs and beer and popcorn), plus a stop at Chi-Chi's
(Mexican food, natch) on the way home.

Due to all that eating and no walking the last few days, I wasn't really looking forward to scaling it today. However, the results weren't bad. I still weighed 269. Cool. After I weighed I had to run a couple of errands, including a drug pick up for Alice.

Now, I know how much like a pervert this makes me sound, but I had a hard time not being too obvious in ogling the young tasty that rang up my purchase. I know she was at least 16 or she wouldn't have been working there...but she couldn't have been much older than that, and she looked like a model. Here's the kicker....her name tag said BJ. Oh, my!! Oh, you're a sick, sick shrinking man, Marty!!!

April 24
It is actually the evening of April 23 as I post this, but what the hell....The first thing I need to take care of is a few birthday shout-outs. Happy Birthday, Sindy!! Sindy is a friend from the bygone days of chatting @ a place called Tripod. Happy Birthday, Tim!!
Tim is a dude I went to school with. HIGH school... and yes, I know we are a couple of old, old men..lol. Happy Birthday, Debbie!! Debbie is kind of related to me. She's like my...sister-in-law once-removed, or something like that. I hope y'all had a great day :-)

There is something else of note that occurred today. I got a job! That should be about a 4-or-5 exclamation point statement, but I am too fucking tired to summon up that much enthusiasm. The guy from the gas station I went to Friday (the "Wow, I got a job! Aww, fuck!! No
I don't" gas station) called this morning and asked if I wanted to work. Apparently neither one of the two guys he hired showed up for work over the weekend. As I stated before, I didn't really want to drive that far, but it was something to start with. Call me Mr. Gas Jockey. Or is that Mr. Pump Jockey?

It turns out that the wage went up over the weekend, too...now pay is $8.50 an hour, up from $8.00. So, that's a good thing. The bad thing is....well, I just didn't know how hard the work was going to be. Not that there is any place I can think of where the work would be easier. Unless I was sitting all day, and I don't want to do that. My feet and my legs, and my back, to a lesser extent....oh, man, they hurt!

The other bad thing (well, the other MAIN bad thing...I'm sure I could think of others if I really wanted to whine) is I am going to have to work 46-47 hours a week. That's a big change from working almost zero hours a week. Add to that the fact that I haven't had a regular job in over 8 years......I am hoping that if I can make it through the first 2 weeks I will get used to it. I am going to do my best to stick with it....I really need the money, and this is the best-paying job I have ever had.

April 25
I know that in the past, I promised not to turn this into the "I Miss Nilla" page (I still DO, by the way) or the "Marty's Walk-a-thon" page. Well, it could very well turn into the "I Hate My Damn Job" page. I know, I know...I can hear you now. "Damn, Marty... you haven't worked in 8 years, ya sorry ass! Ya gonna start whinin' after 2 fucking days?!?!?"

I should clarify....it's not actually the job that I hate. Sure, I feel like I have been put through the wringer, physically....my feet hurt so bad I can barely stand right now and my back is....you ever had a toothache? I have a toothache in 2 seperate but equally painful parts of my back. But I expected that. I am sure it would be at least this bad or worse with any kind of job where I had to be up and around most of the shift.

So, to be more accurate, this might become the "I Can't Stand My Fucking BOSS" page. This guy is one of those "toppers". Whatever story you tell, he's got one that can beat it. Anything that anyone does, he has done it better, harder, longer, and faster than any man ever THOUGHT about doing it, and he knows everything....and if there is anything he knows MORE than everything about, by God, it's pumping gas. He can run two pumps with each hand and another with his dick....he is a gas GOD!!!

And you know...that's all right. More power to him. I am not going to knock someone who can excel in this line of work, because I am getting a taste of how hard it can be. What I can't stand is that whenever I ask him a question, he gives me this....incredulous little laugh, and a look that says, "I can't believe you just asked me such a ridiculous question. You've been here for more than an hour, isn't the answer obvious?? What are you, a fucking moron?!?!?!"

If I don't get the hang of things pretty well so that I don't need to ask this asshole any more questions, I could very well end up beating the motherfucker over the head with whatever I can my hands on. And while I'm doing it, I'll be yelling, "How smart are you now, asshole?! Didn't fuckin' see THIS coming, did ya?!?! Bet you're not feeling like such a fucking genius NOW, are ya?!?!?!?" OK.........I feel MUCH better now, dear Diary. Oh, and sorry for the language.

April 27
Well, I have been off for the last 2 days. I wish I could say I feel rested, refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to go back to work...but that would be a lie. Maybe it's because I know that counting drive time I am going to be gone for almost 13 hours today. Oh well.....I am just going to go in and do the best I can. If that's not good enough, fuck 'em.

It WAS nice to be off the last couple of days. I had originally planned to just lay around the house and not do a damn thing, but I decided that probably wasn't a good idea. Wednesday I did laundry and cut bro's grass again, and then I did the paper route Wednesday night.

Yesterday I felt more like just relaxing and laying around. BUT.....it was absolutely gorgeous outside, and since I hadn't done any exercise to speak of this week, I went to the park and walked 4 1/2 miles. Felt really good to soak up the sun, work up a little sweat, listen to some great tunes (my homeskillets dada made the trip with me. Man, Michael Gurley gets some amazing sounds out of his gee-tar) ......sometimes you have to take pleasure in the little things in life, like a sunny day....something that I often forget. Along those lines, there is ONE thing I really enjoy about my job....there are some awfully pretty girls in the Mason, Ohio area, lemme tell ya ;-)

We had dinner at little bro's house. He grilled steaks as celebration for my return to the ranks of the employed. It was nice....he told me how proud he was of how far I had come, the changes I had made. And you know, I did this for me.....but that kind of stuff has really helped keep me going. There are a lot of people out there that have helped me so much. Thank you :-)

Getting back to dada for a second. They have a song called "No One". It used to be the song that really summed up the way I felt about myself. Especially this line, "...don't have no wishes, that'd be dreaming, and dreaming's got no business with me." That's not me anymore. I still have bad days, sure...maybe more bad than good, still..lol...but, I DO allow myself to have some hopes and dreams now :-)

Oh, and I got a bike!!!

April 28
Well...except for the fact that it was a long-ass day, yesterday at work wasn't quite so bad. I kind of indirectly had a little talk with my boss, and it turns out he doesn't think I'm a moron. At least that's what he said.

I certainly gave him reason to think I'm a dumb-ass, tho..... I'm assuming you all know how gas pumps work...they have the little thingy you can set so that it'll pump the gas without someone having to stand there and squeeze the trigger.

I had just started a truck on a fill-up, with the pump set to go by itself, and the nozzle fell out of the gas tank....shot gas all over my face and in my eyes. It burned, but not nearly as bad as I expected. After I splashed cold water in my eyes for a couple of minutes I was fine...except for feeling like a fool. Oh well...I have felt that way before, and I am sure I will again. Other than that, the night was pretty uneventful, thank goodness.

I DID find out that until Chuck (my boss) hires someone else, I am going to have to work every night. That's going to suck big time.....I kind of hope I get to have at least ONE paycheck where I work all 7 days, though, just to see how much damn money I make.

April 29
Here we are, at the end of week one of Marty Moon, Working Man. There are still some things I haven't done yet.....like, I am supposed to mop floors there if I have the time. I HAVE had the time the last couple of evenings towards the end of my shift, but by then I can barely move enough to get out and wait on the customers. Still, I think I am starting to get used to things.....I am still very sore and stiff (and tired) when I get up in the morning, but it isn't lasting as long as after the first couple of days.

There's also good news in that Chuck said he has a couple of gas jockey prospects on the horizon. I may not have to work every day this week after all. I know I said I was looking forward to seeing at least one of those huge paychecks, but I AM kind of relieved that I don't have to go 7 days in a row. Might not have to, I should say....he hasn't hired anyone, yet.

It's been pointed out to me that I have been whining a lot about having to work, so I would like to apologize.It's not that I don't want to work...I am thrilled that I am getting to where I am able to. In my own defense, keep in mind that I haven't worked in over 10 years. (OK, technically it's only been 8 years since I had a real job, but the last few years I worked in the grocery store all I had to do was sit there and read (and eat) all night and wait for customers to come in. It's been a huge adjustment for me, so please bear with me.

The working IS paying off, tho, and not just financially. I have lost 6 pounds since last week. Obviously, I am not going to expect the same kind of results every week, but that's a pretty good start (:-D) That puts me at 263, 209 pounds lost!!
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May 2
Hey everybody....just a few quick random thoughts.....I'm not dead yet. I apologize for not posting lately, tho...haven't been spending too much time online.

It's been brought to my attention that I have been engaging in serious overuse of the F-word (to which I replied, "What the f*** are you talking aboot?!") My most humble apologies to anyone I have offended. Sometimes when I am upset or angry, that word comes to the forefront of my vocabulary. I will try to remember that just because I am thinking it doesn't mean I have to type it.

My body has been hurting so bad when I get home....most especially my feet and my legs. My bro bought me a new pair of shoes to try tho, and judging from the first day of their use, they are going to be a lot better for walking around on the concrete all day long. So, I am (marginally) a happier camper (:-D) Now, if only the guy Chuck hired yesterday shows up for work today, I should get at least one day off this week. Huge paycheck notwithstanding, I am now thinking I would like the time off.

Congrats to Cathy on her new job! And Happy Birthday, Nat (tomorrow)!! He is the dude that did the Hammster page for me, since I am a computer illiterate. Thanks, dude, hope you have a great one. To everyone in my life (real AND cyber) that I don't get to see or talk to anymore, "I miss ya!!" Later.

May 6
Hey...I was off last night!! I had to kind of bug Chuck a little bit to get the night off, but what the hell...I told him that if he had told me the first day that I worked that I was going to have to work 67 hours in a week, I wouldn't have come back the 2nd day, which is probably the truth. It was enough of a shock to find out I was going to work 47 hours a week. As it is, even with the night off I will have 58 this week....which is almost double the 30 hours I was hoping to get to start off with. I kind of wanted to ease back into work, not jump right into the deep end. I should get my first check tonight or tomorrow, tho.....hopefully that will help make it feel like it's worth it.

It has been pointed out to me by a couple of people that I am whining a lot about having to work so much. I believe the phrase that I hear the most is "that's why they call it work". I don't think anyone appreciates how big an adjustment this is for me. The only work I have done in the past eight years basically is deliver papers a couple of nights a week. I don't even consider that work...the big drag about doing the papers is the interruption of sleep factor.

Even with all the walking I was doing, the most I was on my feet at any one time was about an hour and a half. To go from that relative inactivity to working 10 hours every night, having to be on my feet for at least 8 or 9 of those 10 hours....my feet feel like raw meat. I felt like I was going to die after I had my surgery, but that pain was nothing compared to how my feet feel when I get off work. Yeah, I know....just sounds like more whining to you, and you're probably right. Oh well....

I am going to be looking for something else, anyway...with the price of gas continuing to go up (I have heard a few people say they heard it will be up to $3 a gallon by the end of summer), it's going to cost me $50-$75 just to drive back and forth to work. Actually, I think it already took about $50 to get me there this week. If I can cut out that travel expense, I could live with making a little less money per hour....I DO need to make sure I find something with benefits, tho.

May 10
I had to have George examine my right foot yesterday, because it hurts so much. (George is my bro-in-law, a chiropractor) Both of my feet hurt, but this is a different kind of pain...I thought I might have a stress fracture. No fracture, thank goodness, but the bones in my foot are bowed outwards from all those years of being so fat, and the tendon is pulling away from the middle toe. George wanted me to take a week off from work...I couldn't afford that, but I let him write me off until Saturday.

It will be good to not have to work for a few days....I am not to spend 3 days laying around, tho....I am going to go out at least a little and put some applications in. I have been wanting to do that anyway, I have just been too tired. I have to find something closer to home....I knew the drive would take a lot of money, but it is taking more than I anticipated.

I also need to find something where I can work less hours, I admit. I wanted to try to make this work. Part of the reason I have even stayed this long (besides the money) is that the idea that I couldn't take working so much makes me feel like a failure. I think going from nothing to working 50-60 hours a week is just too much, tho. George made the analogy to when I started walking...it's something I need to build up to, as much as possible, rather than just jumping right in and overdoing it.

May 11
So much for being off until Saturday. I called Chuck yesterday morning to tell him my doc wanted me to take a couple of days off. He asked me if I could come in and work with the new girl on her 2nd night of training. All I had to do is sit and watch her and make sure she didn't make any major mistakes. I didn't really want to, but $85 for just sitting there is hard to pass up.

I should have known nothing could be that easy. Of course, she didn't show up. They ended up hiring someone else, and I had to run his 1st night of training....meaning I had to handle the money, and I had to help out if he got too backed up with customers.

Since we had gas 15 cents a gallon cheaper than any of the other stations in the area, he stayed backed up most of the night, and I had to do quite a bit of work. Not as much as if I had been there myself, but way more than I was expecting, and really more than I should have, considering I was supposed to stay off of my feet as much as possible for the next few days. Yes, I know........more whining.

On the upside, there is my personal life. That is sarcasm, by the way... I had been seeing someone, but I had decided not to say anything about it for a change. Now, she says we need to be apart for a few weeks to think about things. She says it's not goodbye, but how am I supposed to believe that? The women I have been involved with before all ended up breaking things off for one reason or another, why should this be any different? And, this particular woman has just sort of bailed out on me like that before. I think for those reasons I tried to keep my feelings in check. Which isn't to say I didn't care about her, or even love her. Maybe I am not ready to completely give myself up to ANYone yet, I dunno. Oh well....life goes on...........

May 13
To all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day :-D

My foot problem has kept me laid up for the last couple of days. Now it seems to be an ankle problem, though. It kind of feels like it used to when I was being treated for gout. I had attacks all the time before I had the surgery, but I can't remember if I have had any since then or not. All I know is that it has been hurting so bad I can barely walk, and I have been using a cane to do that.

It seems to be a little better today, actually...I might even be able to go back to work in a day or two....oh, joy...it's really a shame that the place I work is so far away and it's so hard on my body....it's going to be hard to find another job making anywhere close to that kind of money, I think. I just don't think I can take it any more.

If I liked the people I work with better, I would be more inclined to try to stick it out, maybe....Alice went with me to get my check today, and the first thing she said when she saw Chuck is, "He's not very friendly, is he?" When Chuck got my check for me, he didn't say a word...no, "How ya doing?"...not even "Hi", or "You're welcome" when I said thanks. Well....to hell with him.

May 16
I can't figure Chuck out. I told you how he never said one word to me when I went to get my check, so I figured that he must be incredibly pissed off at me. I had to call him Monday night to let him know what was going on. I didn't really think I was ready to go back to work Tuesday, but I also didn't know how long I was going to be able to put it off and still have a job, so I told him I was going to try to work Tuesday night.

Chuck suggests that he have the new guy work Tuesday night instead, give me another day to rest. I come back Wednesday night, and if I have any problems, to give him a call. He also said I might just have to find another job, where I can sit down part of the time. He actually sounded like he gave a shit. Of course, my buddy Tim pointed out that he might be worried about the company getting sued for any injury I might have, so he HAS to act like he's concerned. I think I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, tho.... whatever his modus operandi was, I no longer have to worry about it.....I have another job.

An old friend of mine (Ruby) is the manager of a Burger King that isn't too far from where I live....it's about 15 minutes away, less than half the time I drive now. I had planned on going to talk to her before, but I got hired at the gas station before I had a chance. I stopped in to talk to her yesterday.

She said she needed a closer, so she told me to come back later and talk to the night manager. The night manager happens to be her brother, and I know him, too...it was actually a chance meeting with him that prompted my visit to talk to Ruby in the first place. I started to leave, but we got to talking some more outside, and she went ahead and hired me and said I don't need to come back and talk to Gerald, just to come in and start working Tuesday night the 29th.

It seems like almost an ideal situation....she said I could start out working 25-30 hours a week, and if that goes OK then I could work up to 40 hours a week. I expressed my concerns about being able to physically handle the job, and she said if it was too much she would try to find something else for me.

The only downside is that they have no health insurance. Even if you work 40 hours a week, you are only considered part time. I told Ruby that eventually I would need to find something with insurance. She told me to just come work there and get used to working again, and then when I needed to move on, or if I found something I was better suited for before the 29th, there would be no hard feelings. I'm also happy that I have some time off to try to get my foot/ankle as right as possible before I start. You have no idea how relieved I am right now :-D

One other thing I have been wanting to mention....I don't know how many of you are into the band Blues Traveler. I can pretty much take them or leave them, but I always thought that John Popper was an amazing harmonca player, and I thought that it was cool that (health concerns aside) a fat guy was the front man for a relatively successful band....they even got played on MTV. You don't usually see any big people on MTV, unless they are the butt of someone's joke.

Anyway, I caught the band on the Letterman show (Dave frequently makes fat people the butt of his jokes, too....
the only thing I don't like about watching his show) about a week ago, and what a change!! I dunno how he did it, other than the fact that he had some form of weight loss surgery (thanks, Soda), but Popper has lost 180 pounds, and he looks awesome. Way to go, John!!!

May 18
First, the good. My ankle finally seems to be on the mend, I think. Still hurts a little, and my foot, too for that matter. But, it's a lot better, and when I walk I only have a slight limp now instead of the hobble I've been sporting for most of the past few weeks.

The bad. I can feel the big melancholy coming on. Saturday is the 15th anniversary of my dad's death. May 31st is his birthday. Memorial Day falls in there somewhere, too. Plenty of opportunites to think about him over the next couple of weeks...which also means plenty of opportunities to miss him......

May 19
OK...today is the day. Well....today 15 years ago. I don't remember the exact time....I'm sure I could probably find out, but I don't know that I want to know. I do know that it was later in the day. We were all called together at the hospital because it looked like he wasn't going to make it.

We waited, dreading the moment.....and then I went home. I had to work the third shift that night, and I needed to get some sleep. And there had been some slight improvement....hadn't there? I don't think I would have left if the situation hadn't improved a little bit.....but I'm not sure. Maybe I was such a self-centered bastard back then that my sleep was more important to me. THIS is something I am going to have to find out, because I hope I was never that fucking heartless.

In any case.....I went home, went to sleep....and then got a call to come back to the hospital. I went in to see him, trying to be strong...and oh God, I wish I could remember what I said to him that last time. I hope I told him I loved him....we all used to say that to each other all the time, and I hope so much that I said it then, and that he knows I meant it.

On my way out of the room....the last thing I ever heard him say...."I'm not giving up!" Stronger than he should have been able to muster, considering how much trouble he was having just trying to breathe...he kept fighting....and then it was over.

I don't know if I said it then, but I will say it now.
I love you dad, and I still miss you. You live on in my dreams sometimes, which is both good and bad. It's so wonderful to be talking, driving, hanging out...just LIVING with you again.....and then I have to wake up, and realize that it was just a dream, and that you're not here....and I cry just a little......

May 19
Someone suggested to me that I might feel better if, whenever I started to feel sad, I think about a happy memory of my dad instead. Rather than specific moments, I am going to just remember some things about the man I knew and loved. Good.......and bad, if anything comes to mind. After all, no one is perfect........

Dad loved music. Country music was his favorite, but he listened to a little bit of everything. He loved to hear hot guitar licks and bad-ass funky bass. He liked music with harmony vocals, anything from barbershop to the Beatles to bluegrass to Bohemian Rhapsody. (I have no doubt he would have liked dada.)

I used to make fun of how sentimental he was. There was an old song that Elvis recorded called Old Shep...mom always said it made him cry. Another old song, Teddy Bear I think it was called, by Red Sovine. It was about a boy that was sick with leukemia or something, and he used to spend his time talking to truckers on the CB. I KNOW that one always got to him.

The funny thing is, now that Dad's gone.....I am almost as much of a "sentimental old fool" as I used to think he was. The first time I noticed it was watching the movie Arthur not too long after he died. When Arthur's old butler croaked, I cried like a baby. Now, anything I see, movies or TV, even if it's the silliest damn sitcom, like Full House or something equally stupid.....if it involves someone dying, or loved ones having to say goodbye....man, I bawl my eyes out. Part of me feels so silly about it, too....but deep down I am really OK with it, because, hey....I'm just like my dad......

(Later in the day) Damn....now I know where sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and eating gets me. I gained 14 pounds in 9 days, I am back up to 270. I hadn't even gotten into full "Gee, I miss my dad" mode. I gotta cut this shit out.

May 22
Dad loved to ride his motorcycle. Even towards the end, when he had to be on oxygen. He had a big oxygen tank to use at home, and he had a little portable one to take with him when he went places. He used to strap that sucker on the back of his bike and go. One of the guys I used to work with saw him one day riding around with the oxygen on....from then on, he would ask me how "Aqualung" was doing. Maybe it sounds cruel, I dunno, but Dad got a kick out of it when I told him.

Mom likes to tell the story of how Dad came home one day after a ride. He just stood in the doorway for a minute, strange look on his face, until she looked up and asked him what was wrong.

"I'm human again," he said. It turns out that he had gotten a ticket for speeding on his motorcycle. He had been feeling so useless. He wasn't able to work, or to do anything for any length of time, really, due to his health. Getting the ticket made him feel in some small way, I guess, that he was still vital, still a functioning part of society. He was so proud of that ticket that he put it up on the bulletin board, and it stayed there until me and Alice moved last year.

May 23
I don't really have any memories of Dad that I can share that were just things that happened between the two of us. I dunno if that's because we didn't have any moments like that, or if they are just lost in the fog of my hazy memory. It makes me a little sad, but someone reminded me that I should be thankful I DO have good memories involving him...believe me, I am, and by posting them here I hope to be able to hang onto them that much longer.

Dad was a talker. He could talk to anyone, about anything it seemed. It used to annoy the piss out of me, especially if we were somewhere I didn't want to be (an auto parts store, for instance). I would either have to just stand there or go sit out in the car and wait while he yakked to someone about something (something useless, I'm sure I thought at the time). It didn't even matter if it was someone he knew, or not. If he wanted to talk about something, he just did it.

I have come to admire that about him. So often I have wished that I could just go up to someone and start talking to them. Mostly, girls, I admit, but not entirely. I just always feel like I have nothing to say, or that whoever it is would rather be talking to anyone else but me. If Dad ever had those feelings, well...he sure never let it stop him.

This isn't a memory, and it's not even something pleasant to talk about, but it is something I have been thinking about it a lot lately.....I am kind of glad that Dad wasn't around to see the mess I made out of my life. (If he hadn't died when he did, I might have never gotten to be in such bad shape...but who knows? Maybe that was my destiny any way.) He would have loved me anyway....he always said he would be proud of us no matter what. All the same.....well, nevermind. I am turning things around, and I know that someday I will be a man that is worthy of that pride. I think I am getting there :-)

May 24
I'm not giving up on the Dad rememberances, but just to break things up, I thought I would talk about some other things.....I was going to take this opportunity to whine about my lack of love life, but to hell with it. There are good things going on, I'll talk about those instead :-)

I've been getting back into playing my guitar lately, and I am looking into finding some bars or coffeehouses that have open mic nights so I can go perform. It's something I have thought about before....my buddy Chuck (former band mate Chuck, not Swifty gas station Chuck) used to go out with just his guitar and do solo gigs. I wanted to do the same sort of thing, but I just never thought I was talented enough to pull it off.

I still don't know if I am...and I definitely don't know enough songs yet to do a whole night. Doing a few open mic nights would be a good test, though. When I was in the band, I used to sing a couple of songs, but this is a different kind of thing...and frankly the idea scares the hell out of me. I recently had the chance to play for a new acquaintance, though, and hearing the way she raved about my performance (thanks, fellow dadaphile :-D) has gone a long way toward giving me the nerve to try. Figuring out new songs is very frustrating for me, but I get a real sense of accomplishment from doing it. And, I admit.....it was a real thrill to hear such an enthusiastic response.

What actually sparked me to blow the dust off of the guitar pick it up with a little more serious intent is little (big) Sammy's baptism this coming Sunday. My sis-in-law wrote a song to sing at the service and she asked me to provide the accompaniment. It's a pretty song, and it is fairly simple from a guitar standpoint, but I still need to practice it quite a bit because I don't want to ruin a special day by absolutely sucking.

Just so this isn't completely Dad-less....I wish I had gotten to play for him. I did lots of dicking around on guitar before he died (thanks to the Roy Clark Big Note Guitar Songbook he bought me), but then I switched to bass, and he died before I ever got good enough to play in a band. When I got another guitar, the first song I taught myself to play, including the guitar solo, was one of his favorites, Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain by Willie Nelson.

May 27
I didn't realize it had been two (now 3) days since I posted. I don't know if I have a good reason, but it's good that I haven't been sitting around and moping so much that I just HAD to write an entry to get stuff off of my chest. I just have a minute, have to get ready for Sammy's baptism.....will try to post more later, everyone have a great day :-D
(later)
It's been a pretty full weekend. We got the whole family together yesterday to have a picture taken for Alice's birthday. The original idea was to do the whole thing secretly and give it to her as a surprise. However, following a suggestion from Matt's mom-in-law, we decided to include Mom in the pics. So, we got a pic with the whole bunch of us, one with just Mom and all her babies, and then each of the individual branches of the family got their own little family units together.

Of course, since I am alone, I am more like a family twig rather than a branch. At first I thought that meant I was going to have to pose for my own pic, but it just meant that I was only part of the 2 bigger group shots. It was a pretty quick process...we hung around and had dinner and then were able to take the photos home with us, and Mom really enjoyed spending time with the whole family.

Today was Sammy's baptism. I played guitar for his Mommy to sing a song she wrote him. And, of course, I screwed it up near the end, but it went OK. Lara has a beautiful voice, and I figured as long as I didn't mess up badly enough to mess her up I would be happy. If you know me at all by now, you know I was not really happy, cuz I screwed up, but I can live with it. And, also of course, just about everyone said I was really good and they didn't notice any mistakes.

The important thing is that everyone was together. Even though the weather didn't cooperate, it turned out to be a really good day. Part of it was a little rough......but I am not going to bore you with the details of that, for a change. Maybe it's just because I am so wiped out at the moment....in any case, consider yourselves lucky to be spared.

Final note....I didn't really have time, but I went and weighed myself anyway this morning. I was kind of thinking I might have gained another pound or two, and I wouldn't have been able to relax if I didn't find out. I lost 6 pounds, down to 264, so that part of the day was REALLY good, and I was able to eat and actually enjoy it.

May 29
I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day. Mine wasn't bad at all. I spent a little bit of time thinking about Dad (of course). He wasn't a veteran, but that wasn't for lack of trying. He tried to join the service a couple of times when he was young....his health was so bad they wouldn't accept him. Other than that....I just hung out, played my guitar, did some chatting, took a walk.....

Tonight is the night. I start my new job at Burger King. You have no idea how thrilled I am that I am now going to be a part of the fattening up of America... I wonder if they would let me sell salads only?..lol. Hmmmmm....

I'm kind of nervous about how I am going to be able to stand the physical part. I really have no idea at this point what the job of "closer" entails. I am also excited to be working again. I hope there are lots of cute (slightly older than) high school girls working there. With any luck, one of them will be into poor, old, bald, fat guys....keep your fingers crossed for me ;-)

May 31
My first 2 shifts at BK have been pretty uneventful, from a work standpoint anyway. I haven't done any of the cooking yet. So far I have cleaned up the dining area, and then when finished with that helped clean/prep the kitchen: fill the ice bins, wash the dishes, etc. I have only worked 4 hour shifts, and my feet have held up so far. My back hurts, but that's another story. This evening I work my first 7 hour shift, and I think I'll get to cook a little bit, so we'll see how it goes.

The only problem I have had is the people I work with.
Don't get me wrong...they have all been extremely nice and helpful to me. The manager is even an old friend of mine. The problem I have is with the way they talk. Tuesday night they had a long discussion about women and sex using the crudest terms imaginable. I am by no means a prude, and I do more than my share of thinking/talking about sex. I think they way there doing it is damn disrespectful, tho.

Did I say anything? No. For one thing, I don't want to get in any hassles with anyone. And, if I had said anything they might have just turned their attention to me. For another, I suck at confrontations. If I had a larger set of cojones, maybe I would have spoken up. Tonight wasn't so bad, though...maybe that was a rare and special occasion. I'm going to just hang loose and see how it goes.

By the way....it was my dad that taught us to treat people with respect, including (and maybe especially) women. Dad wasn't perfect, or a saint, but he was probably the nicest and friendliest guy I have ever known. He genuinely seemed to care about people. I try to be that way, but sometimes my anger gets the best of me. Especially if I am already moody about something else. Anyway, Dad would have been 61 today. Happy Birthday, Dad. We love you.

"So leave me if you need to. I will still remember...
angel flying too close to the ground."
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June 1
I got my first taste of preparing some of that delicious BK food last night. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! I got to run the broiler/steamer. It broils the meat and steams the buns, so I can only assume that's where the name comes from ;-) If anyone in Springboro, OH got a juicy, flame-broiled Whopper last night, chances are I was all over it. I also got my first experience with cleaning the fryer...lemme tell ya, that's something that deserves a BIG woo-damn-hoo!!!..lol.

The main drag for the evening was....I could really tell a difference with working more than 4 hours. I didn't really expect that only working 3 more hours would be that much harder. Physically, I know I need to sort of take it easy and ease back into things, to avoid a reperat of the Swifty fiasco. Financially, though.....I know we can't make it for very long on the number of hours I am working right now :-(

I have officially reached the end of my Dad mourning period.
I know I talked about him a lot, I hope it wasn't too boring or depressing for anyone....I didn't write as much as I thought I would, to tell you the truth, cuz I actually didn't get as morose this year as I have in the past. A couple of years ago, I was so depressed and angry that I listened to a tape called "Murder Ballads" by Nick Cave 2 or 3 times a day for at least 2 months.

Now, having said that...I will bust out a Dad memory every now and then, because I DO think about him some almost every day. So, thanks again to a couple of friends (you know who you are) for suggesting that I write down some of my memories. Thanks to everyone else for reading them, and for your support as well. I'd like to leave you for now with one final one, courtesy of Ruby, my manager at BK and an old friend...

There is a ZZ Top song called "I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide"...a really cool song, in my opinion. Smoking guitar solos at the end. For Dad, though, it became something more, like a mantra or something. I'm not sure I ever really understood why. I think it was his way of saying that he wasn't going to go down without a fight. You know, like, "Come on, emphysema...show me what ya got. I'll kick your ass! I'm bad! I'm nationwide!!"

Of course, that's pure speculation at this point, but I would like to think that's what it meant to him. He even went so far as to paint those words on the side of his pick-up truck. Whenever I hear the song I think about Dad and his truck, and last night Ruby told me that whenever she hears the song, she also thinks about him....it's maybe a little comforting to know that other people think about him, too.

June 13
Wow...it's been almost 2 weeks since I posted. I must have been really busy, huh? Ummmmm..........no. OK, that's not quite true. Let's chalk it up to 50% busy-ness, 40% laziness, and 30% the occasional "blah" mood. I know...you math whizzes are saying, "But Marty, that's 120%." True...it's accurate, tho, when you consider that I am still larger than life ;-)

The busy-ness....I have been practicing a lot. There is a coffeehouse I found about 30-40 minutes from here that has open mic nights on Thursday. The plan as it stands right now is for me to make my first public singing and guitar playing appearance there tomorrow night. Of course, this all depends on whether I have the 'nads (or Knadz) to do it. I am pretty sure I am going to, as long as I can scrape up the money for gas to get there.

Honestly, the original impetus for this was so a certain new friend of mine would come to listen, and hence we would meet for the first time. She's not going to be able to make it, which is kind of a drag, but now it has turned into something I have to do just to find out whether or not I can do it. Whatever happens...and of course, we all know I am going to just absolutely rock the joint....I will always, always be grateful to her for giving me the kick in the ass I needed to do this :-D

The laziness....I have only been working about 20 hours a week so far, but still I don't feel like doing much when I am off. I think I have only walked 2 or 3 times in the last couple of weeks. I was really pretty worried about weighing myself Sunday due to the lack of exercise. But, I worked enough to lose 5 pounds, so that's cool :-)

The "blah" moods...well, the less said the better. I will try to get more diligent about posting again. Dave actually called me the other day to make sure I wasn't dead....I realized I hadn't posted in awhile but I honestly didn't realize it had been so long. I hope y'all have a great week!!

Happy Birthday!! to Maria and Chuck (June 11) and Justin Senker (June 14), bass player for ARS

June 15
Open mic night was a sucess, at least from my standpoint. I kind of screwed up the first song, "Margaritaville", but after that it was pretty smooth sailing. I am working on a more detailed run down of the evening, but for the moment let's just say it was fun, and I plan to do it again. Thank you, L., for making me believe I could do it, and to soda and Karen and Nilla for reinforcing that notion :-D

June 17
Yesterday was pretty cool. There are several family birthdays in the month of June, so we had a big to-do (or was it a shin-dig?) over at my big bro's house. It was also an occasion for everyone to see all the babies that the family has been blessed with the last few months. My aunt and uncle (and my cousins) had never seen Sammy or Ally, and none of us had seen my cousin's latest addition....whose name escapes me at the moment. I know, I know....I feel terrible. I'm just not into babies.

Burgers and Smokies on the grill, a beautiful, sunny day...it doesn't get any better, unless there is sex involved (;-D). We had a lot of fun tossing the ol' Nerf football around the back yard. I hadn't done that for more than a minute or two since...oh, about forever ago, so I had a blast!!! It still feels so strange being able to move at more than a slow amble, though....I wouldn't be so bold as to call what I was doing running, but in my mind that's what I was doing. At least until I got up enough momentum that I could hear all my fat flapping (what a lovely mental image, eh?) and then I would stop. Cut me, doc!!! Get rid of all this skin now, please!!! Ahhh, if only I could.....
Still, I had a great time being out there with everyone and moving around...after all those years of family gatherings where I would just try to find an out of the way place and sit and wait for someone to bring me something to eat (and eat, and eat) and sit and be miserable until it was time to go home.

It was even extremely cool that I wound up on the ground 3 times...once when Matt tackled me (more like just ran into me, but he knocked me off balance and I rolled over like a Weebil..lol), another time when he just sort of bumped me and knocked me off balance (if you are getting the idea that I am not very graceful yet, that would be an understatement), and a third time when I cut in front of Bill to make an interception. Of course, in my mind's eye it was a diving interception, but in reality it was probably more a case of me losing my balance again..lol. To celebrate, I re-created the old "Ickey Shuffle" (any Bengals fans?) and spiked the ball. Woo-hoo!!! (And, oh, am I sore now....)

There was also entertainment....which is actually the part of the day I was dreading. My aunt and uncle are very religious...in fact, my uncle is a minister. They wanted to sing some songs. He plays guitar and he wanted me to bring my bass and amp and play along. I did, but I was not looking forward to it at all. For one thing, I am very confused about my ideas about God,
and I don't like feeling like I am being force-fed religion. For another, I am not very comfortable in a musical situation like that, meaning a situation where I have not had a chance to practice. Anyway, it turned out all right....even though I wouldn't listen to gospel music on a regular basis, I thought they did a great job singing it. And, I didn't screw up anything too terribly. Cool.

After Shirley and Rick sang, Bill asked if I would do a song that was one of my dad's favorites, "The End Is Not In Sight" (Happy Father's Day, Dad). Then Mom and Shirley wanted to hear "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain", another favorite of his. As an added bonus, I threw in 4 or 5 (or, oh.....12) other songs, some of which were even requested..lol. The highlight had to be "867-5309", with Bill and Matt providing back up (others may have been singing, too, but they were the only ones I could hear. Ugh..lol). Lara and Matt also did an a capella rendition of the song she wrote for Sammy. We all knew Lara could sing, but Matt did very well, too.

All in all, it was just a pretty cool day, and if there is a God, I owe Him thanks for letting us all be together like that. While I am at it, thank you, God, for giving me whatever strength I have had to make some changes in my life, and to actually feel like I DO have a life again (or at least that I am starting to).

Oh, and I weighed this morning...lost 2 more pounds last week. I'm back to my "Swifty" weight of 256 :-D

June 21
Me and Matt went to the Reds game yesterday. Happy Birthday to me!! We had some of the best seats I have ever had at a game, about 8 rows behind home plate. Close enough that I could yell at the players and know they heard me ;-) "Hey, it Jeromy Booooo-nitz!! Booooo-nitz!!" "You suck, Richie Sexson!!" The Reds kicked ass, which was a great thing to see, since they have done so poorly this year. It's the third game we have been to, but the first time they won.

Tonight is another open mic night...I will post the full story of last week's soon....

June 23
I didn't go to the open mic night Thursday. The weather was kind of crappy, and I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of making the 40 minute drive home in the dark over unfamiliar roads if it was raining. In an unfamiliar car.

Unfamiliar car, you say? Yes, my bro loaned us the money to get a different vehicle. Ours was going to have to be inspected before we could renew the license plates on Alice's birthday, and we knew it wouldn't pass. We also knew it wasn't worth the money it would take to get it in condition to pass. Anyway, I now drive an '84 Camaro.

Next week I'll go whether it's raining or not...I don't want to get out of the habit. For this week, though, it was OK. Besides...I busted out the guitar to play a few songs for my friend L. over the computer. She is a far more appreciative audience than the crowd at the coffeehouse would have been, I'm sure....so it was good :-)

June 25
What an utterly blah weekend. Blah de blah de blah. It was beautiful and sunny outside, but it was the darkest and bleakest of winter nights in the desolate wasteland that is my soul. Hey, that was good, I should write that down. I feel like throwing a few choice swear words in there, too, but I have been trying to show some restraint. Here, anyway...in real life I swear like a sailor. Three sailors if I am really upset ;-)

I know you're going to ask....and the reason is same old, same old. Where is the "one" for me? IS there "one" for me? Am I ready for "the one"? The answer to that last question is probably no. Soda tells me I should worry more about improving myself than whatever turns my romantic life is going to take. And it makes sense...you know, "you have to love yourself before someone else will" and blah, blah, blah, yakety shmack, yakety blah.

I don't know if anyone can truly understand what it's like. If I were a better writer, maybe I could lead you to enlightenment....all I can say is....I was 35 before I felt the touch of someone I thought was special. To get a taste of something so powerful after so long a time, and then to have it taken away...maybe it's because I feel like I have so much time to make up for, I dunno....sometimes I am so lonely and need to feel that touch so bad I can't stand it. So warm, so blissful...I don't need heroin, baby....love is the drug. The thing is, even though I have cared a great deal about the women I have been with, I don't know if I have been in love. The thought that that feeling could possibly be even more powerful both gives me hope and scares the hell out of me.

Now, to shift gears, just so you think I am not ALL about being such a tortured soul.....where are all the babes? When I started working at BK, one thing I was really looking forward to was the possiblity of getting to work alongside some tasty looking high school girls...OK, I know what a degenerate that makes me. It's true, I can be a dirty old man. But hey, you have to take the bad with the....well, the bad. I think I have some good in me somewhere, though... anyway....I haven't even seen many come in to eat. What a damn disappointment!!!

June 26
I talked to the manager last week and asked her to start scheduling me 30 hours a week so we can see how that goes. I'm not sure if I am ready to work that much yet, but I can't get by on the number of hours I've been working. So, I am scheduled 8pm-2am five nights this week. (Doesn't that sound like an absolutely thrilling shift?) Which brings me to last night, which was the hardest night I've had at work so far.

I knew going in it was going to be rough...all three guys that were scheduled are relative rookies to the closing shift. I still don't really know how to do anything, another new guy knows less than me, and the one guy besides the manager that knew the proper things to do is even slower than I am, I do believe... which is saying a lot, because when it comes to slow I can give molasses in January a run for its money. Consequently, we didn't get done until almost 3:30, and my ass is dragging today. But, I survived an almost 8 hour shift, which is a good thing, and a good sign :-)

I submitted my humble little journal to an e-zine thingy I subscribe to called Random Senseless Beauty, and I got a message back that I am going to be included in the next issue, which is cool. It's also kinda scary....I mean, the whole idea was for people to read this thing...but what if people actually start reading this thing, you know?? Of course, Mr. Negative Marty reassures me that I am so boring only my friends will continue reading, so that is comforting..lol. Now the pressure is on, though, cuz I have to write a one paragraph blurb about all this to make people want to read...hmmmmm.

June 27
Not much to say today. Since the reason I started this whole thing was my surgery and my weight loss, though, I guess I should report that when I weighed Sunday I had lost 3 more pounds. That puts me at 253, 219 pounds lost. Gina asked me how much I had lost since I visited her last August...not sure about that, I'll have to dig into the journal archives for that info.

I've lost 17 pounds since I started working at BK(almost makes all the cuts and burns I have gotten on my hands and arms worth it). So, even the little bit of work I am doing so far is making a difference, cuz I am damn sure not getting much exercise outside of work. If I could get back to walking and not eat when I get home from work at 3 or 4 in the morning, I would lose faster :-/

L. was asking about what kind of foods she should buy when she shopped. Damned if I know, I still don't eat the right way. I mean...the right answer is more fruits and vegetables, blah, blah, but when I shop I buy cookies and Cheez-its..oh well...if I quit buying crap like that I would lose faster, too. Wow, I squuezed 3 paragraphs out of not having anything to say. Would you consider that "running off at the fingers"?

June 28
I saw Nilla yesterday. She wanted to get Alice a b-day present (Happy Birthday, Mom!!) so I went to help her pick something. While we were sitting having something to drink, I couldn't help but look at myself in the mirror. No, I am not that conceited...there were mirrors all over the damn place!! Anyway.....I look so different now, it's like I am not the same person anymore.

I mentioned that to L., and she asked if that scared me. I hadn't thought about it before, but yeah, it kinda does. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I've been through some changes, with more to come. It would probably be a good time to let go of all of my old baggage....but then maybe I would be lost without it.....

No open mic again tonight :-( I have reasons, but they're not good ones. I've just been a slacker bastard. I haven't been motivated to practice enough that I would feel comfortable doing it tonight.

June 29
Dave's band is playing their very first gig this weekend. They're called One Eyed Cat. I can't remember why he said they changed the name from Stoney Curtis..personally I liked that better. But hey, it ain't my band. The best thing is, I get to get up and do a number with them!!

It's kind of weird how it worked out...I was talking to L. the other night about how I missed being in a band. She told me I should ask Dave if I could sit in with them. I didn't want to cut in on the spotlight on their very first gig, so I said I probably wouldn't do that. Well, Dave called the next day and asked if I wanted to sit in..I didn't have to think about it too long..lol. I get to do one of the old stand-bys from our days in The Knadz, the ZZ Top version of Sam and Dave's "I Thank You". Thanks,
Dave :-)

June 30
Well...Dave's band (One Eyed Cat) kicks ass. It was nice to get to see him really jam, cuz Dave is one bad motherf*cker on the guitar (pardon my French). The other guys are pretty good, too, but if they get a following, Dave will be the reason.

I have to admit....I spent about half of the first set feeling really bummed out, thinking that I could have been the one up there playing. It seems that no matter where I turn these days I have something to regret. Things I did, things I didn't do....where I live (or where I DON'T live, as the case may be...). But, I am really happy for Dave....I have no one but myself to blame for the way things turned out. For whatever reasons, and I had a few, at the time I just wasn't motivated to practice.

I think things worked out for the best...it would have been harder to find a job if I had to worry about scheduling band practices, for one thing....and I honestly don't think I could have played some of the songs they did as well as Mark (the bass player) does. So, rock on, dudes!!

After I got over my funk I was really able to get into it and enjoy the music...hell, I even got off on the tunes while I was funkified....I got chills during one of Dave's solos..."Have A Cigar", I think it was. They did quite a few songs I really like, most notably (to me) "Dizz Knee Land" (dada) and the ever popular "Green-eyed Lady" (Sugarloaf..come on, I know y'all are Sugarloaf fans!!)

I was up the first song of the third set. I was pretty nervous about getting up and playing someone else's bass, but Mark was really cool about letting me work out on it before I had to play. I have NEVER played as loud as his rig was, either, that I can remember, and that was kind of scary, too..lol. I couldn't really hear my singing...I will have to see the video to know how it sounded. But, some semi-hot, slutty-looking blonde danced, and the people clapped when it was over, and I had a great time...so thanks again, guys!! I've got a few pics I will be posting when I get a chance :-)

By the way...if I can ever wind up in a job where the scheduling can be worked out, I am going to try to get my own band together. Even got the name picked out...Silly Fungi (maybe..lol). I would have to get a job where I could work mostly days for it to work, though...so I am going to be keeping an eye open.